Top Chef (Bravo) — Meh, wake me up when there are about nine contestants left. Or whenever Padma’s on-screen. Anyway, tonight’s culinary challenge is to make a healthy school lunch for kids. Ugh, stupid unsexy kids.
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) — It’s on at 10:30 Eastern tonight for a Twilight special that features all the dreamy cream-puff homos and semi-attractive women who star in the new movie. Man, I f*ckin’ hate teenagers.
Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E) — Ooh, it’s a special two-part episode because it’s Dog and Beth’s anniversary. I’m sure the mulleted bounty hunter star of a reality television show has something EXTRA romantic planned.
Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — I’d give this a watch if I had any idea where TV Land is in my cable directory. Do I even get that channel? Let me check. Wait — on second thought, I don’t care.
Harp Dreams (PBS) — It’s like that riveting documentary Hoop Dreams, except about white kids and really lame.
MythBusters: Car Conundrum (Discovery) — Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s just a regular episode of MythBusters where they work with cars. You know, all those car myths. Like the haunted railroad tracks outside Collinsville that will pull your car back onto them if you leave the gearshift in neutral. Anyone? Anyone else go to high school in southern Illinois?
Half Pint Brawlers (Spike) — The wrestling dwarves go to the Southern Pride Festival, where one of them wants to jump his motorcycle over an alligator. I’m dead serious.