Dancing With The Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Season premiere. Never watched a minute of DWTS before, but my Steelers homerism will likely compel me to tune in long enough for Hines Ward to make a fool of himself. Is Kirstie Alley the fattest woman to ever take part on DWTS? Not sure, but Wendy Williams has to be the tranniest.
Skins (MTV, 10 p.m.) — Season finale. Possibly the last chance to see if the Justice Department will seize your television for watching child pornography on cable.
No Reservations (Travel Channel, 9 p.m.) — After trips to Cambodia, Haiti and Nicaragua, Anthony Bourdain treks through Vienna. Not much hope for monologues about abject human suffering and dispossession this week. Bourdain might have to recreate the cuckoo clock speech from The Third Man instead.
American Pickers (History Channel, 9 p.m.) — Season premiere. Mike and Frank search through an old South Carolina hardware store and a Georgia man’s stash of memorabilia. Anything without a Confederate Flag on it might fetch millions.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Dana Carvey, Dr. Michio Kaku and British Sea Power on Letterman; Zachary Levi, Lisa Lampanelli and Raphael Saadiq on Leno; Liv Tyler, Mark Cuban and Brett Dennen on Kimmel; Kiefer Sutherland, Emily Browning and Little Dragon on Fallon and Steve Martin on Colbert. Full listings at TV Squad.