Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to a Golden Girl (NBC) – This 90-minute tribute leads into White’s new hidden camera prank show, Off Their Rockers, where White and a team of fellow senior citizens try to trick unsuspecting rubes. My sincere hope is that this show becomes a massive hit and leads to widespread distrust of old people who are seeking assistance in public. “What? You need help with your groceries? Fat chance, ma’am. You won’t be making a boob out of me! [storms off]”
Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour series premiere of the J.J. Abrahms-produced drama centered around strange events at the notorious San Francisco prison. Unless this features Nic Cage screaming “Whaddaya say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE?” right into Sean Connery’s face, I’m not interested.
The Bachelor (ABC) – It has been brought to my attention that, as a fan of bonkers, trainwreck television, I should be watching this show. I will take it under advisement.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs. Ted presumably drones on and on about white picket fences for upwards of half the show.
The Lying Game (ABC Family) – OO OO, I WANNA PLAY! Here we go. Ready? “I will totally watch this show.” What do I win? I hope it’s a steak.
The Layover (Travel) – Anthony Bourdain samples food and drink around London on his new travel show. I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there and Guy Fieri has like five shows here in America, so I’ll just back away slowly.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Beckinsale and Steven Merchant on Conan; Simon Baker and Elizabeth Banks on Letterman; Liam Neeson and Piers Morgan on Fallon; Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on Ferguson; Melissa McCarthy and Rick Perry on Butthead McGoo; and Don Cheade, David Cross, and Boyz II Men are on a rerun of Kimmel, which I am only including so I can post a Boyz II Men video after the jump. You all know how the game is played.