Louie (FX, 10:30 p.m.) — Season finale. Louie goes to Mexico with his relatives, including Amy Poehler, who he needs to procreate with…in real life, to make a super toddler. At the age of two months, he’d be telling dead baby jokes at an eighth-grade level.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Season premiere. Imagine if this show were to inexplicably become good, if the old writers were canned and Jim Parsons was thrown into the fiery pits of Mordor *audience goes crazy for recognizable pop culture reference* That’s never going to happen, of course, but what if.
SNL/Up All Night/The Office/Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8 p.m.) — What Dustin said.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.) — Series premiere. Why bother with that stuffy old British Sherlock starring that Batchcumber fellow when you watch can CBS’ CBS-y version with Sick Boy, Agent Sever, and all the Two and a Half Men promos you can handle?
Childrens Hospital/NTSF: SD: SUV:: (Cartoon Network, 12 a.m.) — Your weekly reminder to not turn off your TV after Parks. In the hours in-between, watch Karen Gillan on Conan and Vince Gilligan on Colbert (!).
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jimmy Fallon, Neil Young, and Lupe Fiasco on Letterman; Liam Neeson and the Gaslight Anthem on Leno; Liam Neeson and Tony Bennett on Kimmel; Anne Heche and Jennifer Carpenter on Ferguson; Sofía Vergara and Damian Lewis on Fallon; Jake Gyllenhaal and Karen Gillan on Conan; Amar’e Stoudemire on Stewart; and Vince Gilligan on Colbert.