Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. slipped even further in the ratings this week. The following is a conversation about the show between a dog named Biscuit and a cat named Sir Reginald.
Biscuit: I love Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!
Sir Reginald: I hate it.
Biscuit: What?! Why?! How could you hate it?!
Sir Reginald: It’s stupid.
Biscuit: No, it’s not! It’s fun! Everyone’s so pretty, and they solve mysteries, and they have a plane!
Sir Reginald: Ugh. The first few episodes have been so hammy and dumb. Every time I think they’re about to make progress, they just revert back to the standard “Oooo, Hacker Girl has a secret” B.S. that they’re probably going to drag out for three seasons in lieu of actually developing the characters.
Biscuit: Oh, come on. You’re not being fair. They’re only five episodes in! Of course people have secrets! They just met a little while ago! And Hacker Girl’s name is Skye.
Sir Reginald: Whatever. Did you see that stupid thing in the one episode where a thin plastic life raft plugged a hole in the side of the plane? Yeah, right. There’s no way that could have happened. Everyone would have been sucked out of the plane and killed.
Biscuit: But it’s a show about people with superpowers! I think they’re entitled to a little leeway on the science! And besides, even “realistic,” critically-acclaimed dramas like Breaking Bad take some pretty serious liberties with that stuff, like how they melted a guy and a whole bathtub with a couple jugs of ac-HOLY SH*T SOMEONE’S AT THE DOOR! [runs off]
Sir Reginald: [rolls eyes, pukes behind couch]
Biscuit: [runs back into room] False alarm. It was just the wind blowing over a trash can. I barked at it for a while. Seems like it’s under control. Anyway, where was I?
Sir Reginald: You were somehow in the middle of comparing a show filled with one-dimensional stock characters — Hacker Girl! Uptight White Guy! Science Nerds! Tough Lady! — to one of the greatest and most nuanced television dramas in history.
Biscuit: Oh, for the love of… You know what? That’s your problem. You take everything so seriously. Not everything has to be The Wire, you know?
Sir Reginald: Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be Marvel’s Agents of Scooby-Doo either, with a team of attractive 20-somethings bouncing from location to location to take down a new dastardly villain each week.
Biscuit: Hey! What’s wrong with Scooby-Doo?! And they’re working on that! They just brought back that evil organization from the pilot! And it’s called Centipede! And at the end of the last episode a guy who could throw fireballs like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat melted the face off of an evil scientist played by Ryan’s redheaded girlfriend from The O.C., and then the agents injected him with something that made him blow up like his bones were made of C-4! At 8:50 p.m. on a weeknight! It was cool!
Sir Reginald: Really? You’re willing to forgive all the clunky dialogue and the boring stuff about Hacker Girl’s feeeeeeelings because they made a few minor, overdue strides toward an overarching theme, and punctuated the episode with a pair of graphic deaths?
Sir Reginald: Jesus Christ. THE SHOW IS NOTHING BUT BURN NOTICE WITH THE WORD “MARVEL” IN FRONT OF IT. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON IT’S POPULAR. BECAUSE NERDS WILL WATCH ANYTHING THAT INCLUDES THE WORDS “WHEDON” AND/OR “MARVEL.”
Biscuit: I LIKED BURN NOTICE.
Sir Reginald: [sighs] This is pointless. I can’t even talk to you. I’m going to go lay in the sun and complain about plot holes in Gravity on Twitter.
Biscuit: Fine. Be that way. But you should try not being so cynical for once. Lighten up a littl-… [sees owner's car pull into the driveway, sprints off, rolls on back and awaits upcoming belly scratchies]
Sir Reginald: [yawns, does not acknowledge owner]
Photo credit: Shutterstock/Jagodka