7. GEICO Commercials Everywhere
Danger deserves a Pulitzer Prize for his work covering anthropomorphized animals this year, beginning with “50 Questions About The GEICO Commercial Where A Talking Pig Is On A Date With A Human Girl,” followed by “UPDATE: The Creepy GEICO Talking Pig Does, In Fact, Have His Driver’s License.” It ended with “The GEICO Pig Is A Homewrecker Now”…for now. I piggybacked on Danger’s beat (meaning I skinned Maxwell the Pig and wear his carcass), adding “Teachers Are Complaining That Their Students Are Quoting Geico’s ‘Hump Day’ Ad Too Much.” It was a terrible year for Geico ads, and an even worse one for animals without dignity.
8. “Fishy Fishy”
Speaking of commercials…I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.
9. Keeping Up with the Brodys
Couldn’t leave off “2013′s Most Hated TV Character.” After the events of the season two finale, it would have been so easy for Homeland to never check in with the Brodys again. Nicholas had vanished, and Jessica, Bobby Draper, er, Chris, and Dana weren’t interesting enough characters to continue to follow. And yet, the writers kept with them, especially in the first half of season three: we saw the aftermath of Dana trying to kill herself, including running away with that kid from Dexter and eventually, working at a motel. The performances were very good, but the content was dreadfully boring. Can’t wait to see how Homeland doesn’t kill Brody this season finale, too!
10. Paula Deen on Today
2013 was the year Paula Deen went from a regrettable ball of butter wearing blush to America’s Enemy #1. It should have been fun. After all, we’ve been hating on Deen for years; she’s the female Guy Fieri. But it wasn’t. It was just sad, from “Paula Deen’s Deposition: Racist Jokes, The N-Word, Dinner Parties With Slaves, And More” to “Here’s Actual Video Of Paula Deen Saying Cringeworthy Things About Black People” to “I Is What I Is, And I’m Not Changing” to, perhaps inevitably, “Paula Deen Received A 10-Minute Ovation In Her First Public Appearance Since That Whole N-Word THING.” If anything, this year’s controversy might earn her more money in the long run. Us haters already hated her, but for those who enjoy her brand, and she’s nothing if not a greasy brand, she’s a figure in EXTRA need of our love and redemption. Paula is now free to go on pricey speaking tours about the mistakes she’s made and how you shouldn’t make them, and afterwards, she can make everyone a nice, big plate of Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake. She’s the American dream.
11. Andy Bernard
There were times during the final season of The Office where it was impossible to remember Andy not as a shallow monster, but as the goofy guy who serenaded Pam with “Rainbow Connection,” the Cornell graduate who couldn’t remember the lyrics to the Kit Kat jingle, the video game fanatic who scolded Jim’s Call of Duty abilities. He was so awful in season nine, and not in the way the writers intended him to be. We were supposed to feel bad for the guy who lost everything after his three-month boat vacation, but the sympathy never came; the hate did, for a cruel villain. People who don’t treat Erin well deserve the worst. I wanted to kill him for real.
12. Fox News’s 2013, In One Screencap
Runner-up selection: “Fox News Hit A New Low While Interviewing Muslim Scholar Reza Aslan About Jesus.”
13. That Time Alex Trebek Did “Gangnam Style” on Jeopardy
14. Low Winter Sun
It seems silly in retrospect to be so mad at AMC for placing a “next week on” promo for Breaking Bad during the first commercial break for their new show, Low Winter Sun. Until you recall said first commercial break didn’t occur until 15-20 minutes into the bleak pilot of a dreary show that never evolved beyond its “Good Man, Cop Killer” premise. Low Winter Sun was hated even before it had the chance to be good; luckily, it WASN’T good, so everything worked out well. Except for AMC, which said goodbye to their hopeful “next Breaking Bad” after only one season.
15. DAMMIT JERRY.
This GIF still haunts my nightmares. Classic Jerry/Gary/Larry.
I want more like this!
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