Psych (USA, 9:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. Shawn and Gus head to a Harry Potter convention in London. (Preview clip here.) And while they’re away, SANTA BARBARA WILL BURN TO THE GROUND. I mean, probably. This show’s version of Santa Barbara is more dangerous than Robocop‘s version of Detroit.
Law & Order: SVU (9:00 p.m.) – Benson’s attacker “resorts to legal tricks once again” tonight. I hope they mean magic tricks, like pulling an alibi out from behind the judge’s ear, or covering the evidence with a handkerchief and then making it disappear. What I’m saying is that I miss Franklin & Bash.
The Middle (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – Dave Foley guest stars. Big week for him, between this and the quick appearance on last night’s Justified.
The 40th Annual People’s Choice Awards (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) – Two Broke Girls stars Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs host, which (a) gives me an excuse to post this again, and (b) reminds me to show you this, because AHAHAHAA NOPE NICE TRY.
Chicago PD (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Series premiere. This is a spin-off of Chicago Fire. Tune in next season for Chicago Sanitation and Chicago DMV.
American Horror Story: Coven (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – The actual, real Stevie Nicks shows up tonight to help Fiona “out the new Supreme.” So help me God, I will start watching this show if that sentence means Stevie Nicks and Diana Ross are starting a singing group.
Real World: Ex-plosion (MTV, 10:00 p.m.) – From TV Guide: “Exes show up unexpectedly in the Season 29 premiere.” This sounds awful. Like, not as a TV show (although that, too, I suppose), but as a general principle. Living in a house with your ex and a bunch of other people and their exes? Noooooooo thank you. I’ll just be homeless.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10:00 p.m.) – The contestants must create a meal inspired by both France and Spain tonight. My suggestion: Champagne tapas. I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds terrific.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Sofia Vergara and Emmy Rossum on Kimmel; Scarlett Johannson on Letterman; Mark Wahlberg and Michaela Conlin on Ferguson; Steve Carell and Kathryn Hahn on Leno; William H. Macy and Bethenny Frankel on Fallon; and Patton Oswalt on Conan.