2014 NCAA Basketball Tournament (CBS, 9 p.m.) — It’s Kentucky Wildcats vs. Connecticut
Huskies. If you don’t care either way, here’s how to choose which team to root for: who’s your favorite Homeward Bound character, Sassy or Chance? (The answer is obviously Chance. GO HUSKIES)
House of Food (MTV, 10 p.m.) — MTV describes House of Food as a “one hour, weekly docuseries that combines the exciting real-life competitive elements of culinary school, with the dramatic setting of a house reality show.” So, it’s like House of Cards, except not at all.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10 p.m.) — “A growing secret threatens Norma and Norman’s relationship.” Norman admits that as far as TV prequels of horror movies go, he prefers Hannibal?
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.) — “Archer tries to keep his fling with the dictator’s wife a secret; Krieger bonds with his clones.” There’s not enough tentacle porn in the world for more than one Krieger.
Rick and Morty (Adult Swim, 10:30 p.m.) — Rick and Morty have a fallout when Rick runs into some old associates. The episode’s called “Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind,” so I’m assuming the “old associates” are Richard Dreyfuss and a talking pint of Cherry Garcia.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Colin Firth, Chloe Grace Moretz, Nas, and John Oates on Fallon; Johnny Depp and Clayton Kershaw on Kimmel; Cat Deeley and Gina Carano on Ferguson; Jeremy Piven on Meyers; Howie Mandel and Christina Hendricks on Conan; Matt Taibbi on Stewart; and Edward Frenkel on Colbert.