Two weeks ago, Larry King welcomed Anna Paquin on his Hulu series to talk about everything from the sadness that comes from wrapping up a TV series to her bisexuality, and while the latter was certainly more interesting to most people, she revealed very little about what we can expect from the final four hours of True Blood. Obviously, we shouldn’t expect Sookie Stackhouse to spill her faery beans on any shocking revelations that may be coming, but let’s be serious. I’m laying down the gauntlet once and for all to make the most obvious statement I can possibly make – nothing shocking will happen before the final credits roll for “Thank You” on August 24.
“So why do we bother, Burnsy?” Why? Because we are so damn close, and for all of the people who have chimed in to say, “I can’t believe you people still watch this sh*t,” we deserve to see this thing through, even if the final scene will probably make The Sopranos cutting to black look like Sam Malone locking up Cheers. For poops and laughs, though, I’m going to make my final predictions for how these next four episodes will play out, starting with this week’s episode, “May Be the Last Time.” (Remember, I write this intro before I watch the episode, as if to say, “Hey, let’s all go into this with fresh eyeballs and the lowest expectations imaginable.”)
- Violet will meet her end at Jessica’s hands, and then our favorite eternal virgin will end up with Jason, after whatever weird crap goes down with Hoyt, who had no reason to come back.
- Eric will end up being cured with Sarah’s blood after he kills her. That will be awesome. Then, Eric and Pam will go off on a global adventure together, because they love each other or something dumb like that.
- Bill will die, though, so he can spend the after-afterlife with his wife and the little girl from the eHarmony commercials.
- Lettie Mae will figure out what is causing Tara to look like a character in an Aphex Twin music video and finally end that terrible story, but seven episodes too late.
- Sam will end up with Sookie, because he’s the dude who still loves the girl who dated all the cool guys until they all realized they weren’t ever cool.
Again, those are just predictions, but I feel very confident about each of them. Until then, let’s get on with “May Be the Last Time,” the seventh episode of the final season of True Blood.
True or False: Well, that was a big, dumb way to start the episode, Eric.
Okay, first thing’s first – I never thought that Sarah Newlin could be a worse character, in terms of a combination of pure evil and bad writing, but NewMe? I wish I had made a Vine of my groan when Amber Mills called her that before Eric did us all a solid and turned her into a pool of poorly-made red Jello. Anyway, how the hell are we going to find Sarah now with the last person (or vampire, rather) that she loved is now corn syrup staining an ugly floor? I don’t know, but I’ll bet we’ll find out in the final 20 seconds of this episode as usual.
True or False: Andy just needs to suck it up and let Adilyn have sex with her future stepbrother already.
Bon Temps is already one of the most perverted places on the face of this fictional version of Earth, so if Adilyn wants to have sex with Wade because she loves him, then just let them. The fact that they’re going to be stepsiblings soon only makes them the 3,258,758th most perverted people in the town.
True or False: Nothing about the progression of Hep-V makes a lick of sense.
The vampire horde from the beginning of this season featured a bunch of guys and gals who looked like they were two seconds away from barfing up their organs, and yet they were devouring entire towns. Meanwhile, when Pam finally caught up with Eric and realized that he was sick, he looked like he had the flu, and he’s only just now acting like he’s dying. And Bill doubled down on the sickness by getting the virus with Sookie’s faery blood, which according to that hilarious doctor is probably the worst thing imaginable. So how is Bill still alive? None of this makes sense.
True or False: Violet’s collection of sex toys is almost as impressive as your mom’s.
But seriously, these two should just be killed off, because they’re too stupid for their own good.
True or False: Let’s forget about the dying vampires that are the show’s main characters so we can watch Arlene have a dream about having her pocket filled on a pool table.
There’s something really sweet about the fact that Arlene might be in love with Keith, the rocker vampire who played that dude on 24 one time, but she’s scared to be with him, not because he’s a ruthless killing machine, but because she’ll give him Hep-V. There’s something even sweeter about the fact that he doesn’t want to have Earth-rattling sex with her on a pool table, and he just wants to dance with her. But you know what? They didn’t need to devote all that time to it, because it’s meaningless to the conclusion of the series.
True or False: Look at that, True Blood proved me wrong.
We actually got to check back in with Eric, Pam and Mr. Gus Jr. before the 20-minute mark this week. Sure, they just rehashed the deal they already made by throwing a few billion dollars into it, but now we at least know that they’ll find NewMe by using all of Japan’s intelligence. Because if there’s one thing that Japan’s spy network is good at, it’s finding Texas girls who have recently dyed their hair and taken up Buddhism.
True or False: Grandpa Niall is a dick.
That’s pretty cold that Rutger Hauer let Sookie infect Bill because he doesn’t like her taste in vampires. I guess I don’t blame the guy too much, but I love that in what might be the laziest final season of any TV series ever written, the hindsight solution to Bill being infected was as simple as, “Yeah, I could have stopped it, but I didn’t, because your boyfriend sucks.”
True or False: Menacing, imaginary Jason Stackhouse is the worst Jason Stackhouse yet.
This was a huge episode for Ryan Kwanten, because Jason was all over the place. First, he was getting the hots for Hoyt Fortenberry’s inexplicably attractive marine biologist girlfriend while the guy was examining his mom’s rotted, weeks-old corpse, and then he was haunting NewMe’s return to her old Christian camp. At least the hallucination form of Jason contributed to the plot. The other one was just a dickhead.
True or False: 53-f*cking-minutes before Violet did anything interesting.
And that lasted 10 whole seconds. Adilyn and Wade spent more time fretting over Violet’s sex toys than Violet did threatening either of them. Wow, what suspense. I can’t wait to see what’s next on the career ladder for this show’s writers. Maybe a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book that’s two pages long.
True or False: Oh cool, NewMe thinks she’s the messiah.
When faced with having your head and limbs pulled from your body with extreme prejudice by a very ill vampire and/or the Yakuza, it’s great to let your delusions of grandeur hit their peak like NewMe did. At least we got Steve Newlin in a hallucination so we could remember how awful he was one last time. Oh, and a battle of spiritualism for her soul? You really do spoil us with meaningless crap, True Blood.
In all seriousness, how awesome could a complete mental breakdown scene have been with Sarah’s five former lovers returning in hallucination form? Even Governor Burrell could have had a few lines as a severed head. They should have argued with each other while berating her and driving her more toward complete madness, but do you know what that would have been? A meaningful plot device that brings a character’s delusions and ironic sexual history full circle. CAN’T HAVE THAT NOW, CAN WE???
True or False: Hey, if you’re already dying at an accelerated pace, might as well f*ck and make it go faster.
For being the smartest vampire in Bon Temps, Bill sure is an idiot. Then again, we’ve already come to the realization that Hep-V has no boundaries, because nobody is actually dead from it, so maybe by having sex with Sookie, Bill will somehow reverse course. It’s worth a try! Also, if my prediction about Sookie and Sam is right, then Sam is just about the most pathetic man in, around and outside of Bon Temps. Enjoy stocking up on Purell, Mr. Mayor.
True or False: Pam remains the best thing about this sinking ship.
Another Quote of the Week winner from our favorite girl.
On Next Week’s Episode of True Blood…
Looks like we have two raids going down at one time, with Eric and Gus Jr. going after NewMe and everyone else going after Violet. But with three episodes left, that’s plenty of time to resolve the plot points that matter, so I hope we get at least 45 minutes of Arlene dancing.