It’s been nearly 10 years since two people hosted the same episode of SNL. In fact, the long-running sketch series double-booked twice in one year, when Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey told tuna jokes on January 17, 2004 and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen humored musical guest J-Kwon during the season finale four months later, on May 15. Both choices are regrettable in hindsight (actually, they were terrible then, too), but I have a proposition for SNL to make up for their past sins: book Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally, America’s best celebrity couple.
By now you’ve seen the video of the two of them performing “Smell Yo Dick,” the frontrunner for Best Thing of 2013. But that wasn’t an isolated incident: they’ve blown up the Internet multiple times in the past couple of years, ever since Offerman joined the cast of Parks and Recreation, and made us fall for them over and over again. Here’s how they became the exception to the “love is dead” argument. Also, SNL, when you choose them, hire Riskay, too.
#1. Because this is their relationship advice:
We feel that getting into it with a friend is always a sticky wicket, but if you must, put your best foot forward and show her your integrity by revealing the way you feel, and then assuring her that you don’t want to pressure her in any way. If and when she’s interested, she’ll give you the high sign.
Or, while she’s sleeping, whip your dick out and show her who’s boss. Either way.
#2. Because they had a tiny wedding, and in a refreshing Hollywood rarity, she, the 44-year-old, was more famous than he, the 33-year-old, thanks to her Emmy-nominated role on Will & Grace.
#3. Because they’re not afraid to take it all off for our, um, pleasure.
#4. Because they’ve both been on excellent shows…
…occasionally at the same time.
#5. Because this is how Nick throws a surprise birthday party for Megan.
#6. Because they smoke weed with some of our other favorite people.
#7. Because this should be obnoxious, but somehow, it’s not, probably due to the bandana.
#8. Because they make an excellent argument for marriage equality.
#9. Because they know how to pick effective baby making music (and love Tom Waits).
Do you have a soundtrack for getting down with your lady?
My ultimate soundtrack for lovemaking is Peter Gabriel’s Passion: Music for The Last Temptation of Christ.
That’s certainly an unusual choice.
Well, if you listen to it—and it depends on your personal timing and cycles of climax but it has some very languid, you know, drawn-out tracks for foreplay, culminating in some blood-curdling screams with driving tribal drums [giggles]. Megan and I share taste in music, and we consider musicians like Tom Waits and Randy Newman and Patty Griffin to be the most romantic musicians. Not necessarily the most beautiful music, but, for our money, the most romantic because it’s authentic and from real life experience. When I first got turned on to Tom Waits, I was trying to get my dad to come around, and I played him one of Tom’s most moving songs, his cover of “Somewhere” from West Side Story. My dad said, It’s a pretty song, but the guy sounds like he’s being run over by a dump truck. And I said, “Well, that’s the point, Dad.” This guy whose voice evokes having been through a lot of shit is singing that there is even a place and time for him.
#10. Because it takes a special kind of woman to fall for a man in a Beer Nuts shirt and American flag shorts.
#11. Because he loves her just the way she is, lack of imperfections and all.
I have not had any plastic surgery done. Nothing at all. And he is very much opposed to it. He tells me every day that I’m beautiful and sexy which is very nice. But one time I was depressed. Just like having some kind of moment of something. And we’re in the bathroom together, and I said, “You know, maybe I will have a little something done,” and he has always said if I had anything done he would divorce me, and he said, “If you have something done I really will divorce you because that would mean you’re not the person I always thought you were.”
#12. Because, in case the Riskay cover didn’t convince you, they’re excellent singers.
#13. Because they must have the best dirty talk.
#14. Because I hate everything (Beyoncé? MEH), and love this.