Holy Knuckles. Out in Seattle, after watching a show about the Mayan prediction that the world would end in 2012 on the History Channel, a deranged woman completely lost her sh*t, as one is wont to do after watching too much History Channel. “We are all going to die?” she allegedly said. “Get me a gun. … I’m ready to die. … I’m gonna kill myself? We are all gonna die.”
But the woman couldn’t find a gun and settled for what was handy: A bread knife.
King County prosecutors claim Sabelita L. Hawkins attacked her mother with a bread knife on Dec. 15. According to the allegations, Hawkins cut through her mother’s cheek, slicing her tongue.
“The defendant chased and attacked her mother with a serrated bread knife and inflicted multiple stab wounds including a punctured lung,” Senior Deputy Prosecutor Adrienne Thomas McCoy told the court.
“This attack,” she continued, “was unprovoked and unexpected.”
Police arrived and arrested Hawkins, who continued to yell nonsensical statements about “people wearing blue and purple, and somebody named Darrell,” while also carrying on a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson, according to officers’ report. She also threatened to kill herself.
I think my favorite part of this story is that, after stabbing her mother in the mouth and cutting off part of her tongue, she proceeded to have a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson. That’s one what does, right? When the world is ending. You talk with the King of Pop, of course. And what do you talk about with Michael Jackson before the end of time and space arrives? What happened to Bubbles? Moonwalking tips? What was Macaulay Culkin like in the sack? Was his love with Lisa Marie Presley real? WHY ISN’T MICHAEL JACKSON ANSWERING?
Ahem. I knew there was something messed up about the History Channel ever since they stopped talking about history. I blame Pawn Stars.