JAKE PICKED THE CROSS-EYED SLUT — On “The Bachelor” finale, Jake’s family and everyone in America preferred Tenley, the better-looking girl who wasn’t a bitch, but Vienna proved that a Hooters girl without a gag reflex really can do anything if she does enough kegels. Thanks to all who followed or even tolerated the live-tweeting action last night. You can read my sanitized recap here. That’s what I sound like when I talk to my grandparents.
‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’ CAST SET — Here’s your list: astronaut Buzz Aldrin, figure skater Evan Lysacek, flamboyant wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, ESPN sideline babe Erin Andrews, former sex icon Pam Anderson, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger, soap star Aiden Turner, bitch Kate Gosselin, more attractive bitch Shannen Doherty, and “Reno 911!” alum Niecy Nash. Rounding out the cast will be — ta-da! — newly engaged Bachelor Jake Pavelka! Wow, the cross-promotion is almost TOO subtle, you know? [USA Today]
THAT ONE CHICK IS THE NEW ‘BACHELORETTE’ — At the end of ABC’s reality TV circle jerk last night, Ali Fedowtoski was named the new star of next season’s “Bachelorette.” She was a front-runner for Jake’s affection until she left the show in a totally-not-staged move to “save her job.” Ugh, this is more chick-centric reality TV news than I can handle in one morning. Where’s the bourbon? [Us]