I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know exactly what’s happening here. This is what I’ve figured out so far: You know that FIAT commercial where the cars drive around underwater? The one that starts with the lady singing “When I hear the ocean calling”? Well, it’s a full-length music video now, and it features Pitbull — who has evidently taken a momentary break from hawing every carbonated liquid known to man so he can sell you tiny Italian cars — storming a beach on a tricked-out, model-filled yacht like the Eisenhower of sexy dance parties. And there are surprise guests. And dancing seahorses. And the one girl from 3LW grinding on a giant party bro made out of sand. And mermaids. And catapults.
Here’s what I’m getting at: You should watch this video. I’m going to pick out the highlights and discuss them in a minute, as I have done with my other music video breakdowns, but really … you should watch this video. Trust me on this.
Okay, so this is Arianna. Here are all the things I know about her: 1) She is Italian; 2) She is the one who sings the part of the song that you know from commercial because it probably gets stuck in your head all day after hearing it; and 3) She is currently driving a FIAT on the ocean floor.
Just an FYI: An attractive Italian pop singer driving a compact car across the bottom of the sea does not even crack the top ten strangest things about this video.
Arianna is not the only person careening through the ocean in a FIAT. As you can see, there is a whole team along with her, defying the laws of physics and scaring the hell out of fish in brightly colored glorified golf carts.
This brings up an important point: There needs to be a Fast & Furious movie that takes place underwater. Maybe not Fast 7, or even Fast 8, but by the 15th or 16th I want one called Fast & Furious: Atlantis Speedway, and I want the trailer to feature Ludacris wearing a SCUBA suit and making a very concerned face while shouting “Uh, guys… THEY GOT AN OCTOPUS” into a walkie-talkie.
In my mind, Pitbull is constantly at sea, always dressed in a tuxedo, and he only stops to make port in various hotspots around the globe (Miami, Monaco, the South of France, etc.) for one night at a time. The boat’s crew — all supermodels, obvs — unloads enough Bud Light and Dr. Pepper to satisfy the crowd, no matter how many people show up, and he leads them all in a night of wild partying, the likes of which no one in attendance has ever seen. Then in the morning, when the crowd wakes up, POOF, he’s gone. Just like that. Back to sea, off to bring a real good time to another group of incredibly sexy people in another incredibly sexy location, and all the partygoers he left behind have to remember him by is a brief image of him on stage, leading the celebration, and showing them a life they never dreamed was possible. It will be burned into their minds forever, alternately giving them hope and torturing them. Such is the power of Pitbull.
Here are some dancing seahorses. What they have to do with selling cars or a formally dressed Cuban musician cruising the high seas in a multi-million dollar vessel, I have no idea. Enjoy.
This picture is hilarious.
Pitbull then summons one of his models and has her bring over a briefcase. The briefcase contains this a high-tech(ish) lock system that can only be opened by simultaneously turning the keys that two other bathing suit-wearing models are wearing around their necks.
I want to live in this video.
Anyway, so they turn the keys and press a button and smoke starts pouring out of vents and lights start flashing and this pressurized chamber opens up and it’s… Charlie Sheen? With two models in lingerie?
1) This is actually a great idea. Keeping Charlie Sheen locked up at sea inside the type of complicated chamber usually reserved for supervillains not only keeps him off the streets, but it also prevents him from filming any more episodes of Anger Management. A win-win.
2) PITBULL WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU RELEASING HIM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Actually, nobody worry. Pitbull has a plan. After releasing Charlie, Pitbull loads him up into a jet black FIAT…
… AND CATAPULTS HIM INTO THE SKY.
Okay, quick rundown of things Pitbull has on this yacht:
- Models galore
- Supervillain chamber
- Hydrolic catapult capable of launching a small car into the stratosphere
I must have this yacht.
The cars that were racing along the ocean floor come to the surface as they prepare to storm a lazy, boring beach. The siege is imminent. Those who are un-sexy or unwilling to become sexy will be massacred. Sun Tzu taught us this.
It is now time for Pitbull’s verse on the song, which is my favorite part of the whole video by a mile because it starts with Pitbull talking about his love of Cuba and living, riding, and dying for freedom, all while, again, he is standing on a yacht, wearing a tuxedo, and starring in a five minute music video that was made solely for the purpose of selling small Italian automobiles, and occasionally features a group of dancing CGI seahorses.
Oh, and I almost forgot, within this five minute sexy commercial for FIAT, there is also shameless product placement for Beats By Dre brand speakers. Oh, Pitbull. You corporate rascal, you.
Hey, you know how I said my favorite part of this video was Pitbull’s verse? I LIED. I lied so much. Because after Pitbull and his Navy SEAL-caliber team of sexy warriors take the shore, he proceeds to PARTY ON THE BEACH IN A TUXEDO.
The only way this screenshot could be more Pitbull is if he was holding a bottle of Bud Light Platinum and maybe showing the GEICO gecko how to tie a bow tie.
CAMEO BY SHAGGY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. CAMEO BY SHAGGY.
Thanks to the credits at the end of the video, I am able to inform you that the young lady grinding on the six-foot-tall broseph made out of sand is Adrienne Bailon from the girl group 3LW.
For reasons that are very justifiable and make a lot of sense, this information resulted in me watching the music video for “He Loves U Not” by Dream three times while I ate lunch today.
This is important. When you watch the video, around the 3:34 mark, pay special attention to the dude in the blue and red swim trunks standing in the middle of this group. It’s brief, but amazing. The man is a clearly a veteran of sexy Pitbull beach parties. Take notes.
Remember when Pitbull launched Charlie Sheen off his yacht with that catapult? (NOTE: I am so happy I got to type that sentence today.) Well, here’s where he ended up. On a deserted island, in the middle of the ocean, with two very attractive mermaids. While I sort of hate any situation that results in Charlie Sheen #winning, I think we can all agree that having him stranded miles away from other humans is probably for the best. For society, if not for those poor mermaids.
Anyway, that about wraps it up. So what did we learn? Well, three things: 1) If you stand on a beach long enough, Pitbull and Shaggy will show up to party with you; 2) FIAT apparently makes amphibious cars now; and 3) I need that damn yacht.