Two notes before we begin:
- I suppose there’s a chance that this letter to Winnipeg Free Press advice columnist Miss Lonelyhearts is, like, 100% legit, and not just the result of some bored rascal(s) waking up one day and saying “Hey, let’s write a letter to the paper in character as Skyler White from Seasons 1 and 2 of Breaking Bad and see if it slips by the editors and gets published.”
- If it is indeed legit (which, I mean, it’s probably not, but work with me here), someone should really get Stressed and Confused a Netflix account so she can learn from Skyler’s mistakes, and maybe tip off her husband — whose name I have chosen to believe is Schmalter Schmite — that the fried chicken magnate he’s thinking about working with might not have his best interests at heart.
Okay. The letter.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been happily married to my husband for 15 years; however, he was recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Ever since his diagnosis, he’s become a completely different person. He sometimes comes home in the middle of the night with no explanation of where he was. I found out he started smoking marijuana. I also have a pretty good suspicion he has a second cellphone, though he denies it. I desperately need help. I’m currently pregnant, to go along with a moody son, a husband with lung cancer and an overdrawn chequing account. — Stressed and Confused, Winnipeg.
Dear Stressed: You have to get tough now. Your husband knows he’s going to die and it won’t be long, so he’s doing whatever he pleases. He may not be thinking of you, his child and the baby any more, or when he does, it makes him depressed and panicky. Drugs and women are big distractions from those feelings, Second cellphones make contacting another woman or a drug dealer much easier.
Yes, they certainly do.
Anyway, Miss Lonelyhearts goes on from there to dispense a bunch of advice about getting out of the potentially dangerous situation and seeking government assistance if need be, for the sake of the kids. She even provides phone numbers and resources, which is incredibly nice and helpful of her, and actually made me feel a little bad about giggling like a maniac about the first two paragraphs. What she does not say in her answer, however, is that Stressed and Confused should sleep with her tax-evading boss. That’s smart. This whole thing — the thing in the GIF below — didn’t work out too well for anyone.
Thanks to Jeremy for the tip