Ordinarily, I try to write the True Blood episode recap intro before I watch the episode so I can come into it as fresh as when I watch the episode, but this time I decided to wait until after. I immediately regret that decision. It’s safe to say that I never saw this episode’s absurd ending coming, and I’m pretty pissed off about it. And I’ve already looked for reactions on Tumblr – possibly my favorite thing to do after any episode, because people are hilariously irrational – and people are even more pissed than I am.
Obviously, I won’t spoil the ending in the opening, despite the fact that you shouldn’t be reading an episode recap if you haven’t watched the episode (unless you’re only here because you love me, in which case *winks*). So let’s just jump right into this week’s episode, “Fire in the Hole,” and talk about how something that started out so wonderfully, before getting so boring, could end so terribly. F-minus on this episode, True Blood. F-f*cking-minus.
True or False: Not cool calling out the bro for checking out the babe, yogi.
We didn’t know where that yoga class was going at first, but the yogi definitely made it clear that he was a douchebag by calling out the bro checking out the girl’s rear end. Sure, the bro was a douchebag, too, but there are subtler ways to handle things. That said, let’s get really geeked out…
True or False: About. F*cking. Time. Welcome back, Sarah Newlin.
You can’t get me three episodes into this season with as little Eric Northman as we’ve had and keep depriving me of Sarah Newlin. Her level of villainy was off the charts by last season’s end, and we’re supposed to believe that she just decided to vanish and practice yoga, all so she could have an affair with her yogi? Whatever, welcome back, Sarah.
Now, let’s go ahead and ignore you while other crap happens, some of which is important and some not as much. Spoiler: The not as much is Tara’s annoying mom.
True or False: Tara might actually be dead, after all.
Well, so much for my prediction that Tara’s not dead, now that Pam admitted that she felt her True Death. Now, I do still have a thought on this – we didn’t see her die, which is f*cked up when you consider the end of this episode, so I think there’s still something to that. Especially when you consider that the pharmaceutical company came after Eric with those chains in France, and then we saw the chains again at the end. At this point, I’m thinking that the Japanese corporation is collecting vampires, and Tara is with them. But I could be very wrong, and I kind of hope I’m wrong, because what the hell does Tara bring back to the table?
And if she’s alive and someone else is still dead? I will hate this show with a vengeance felt on every corner of the Internet by the time this thing is over.
True or False: Tara’s mom is still alive and she’s absolutely awful.
Lettie Mae is a cartoon character in a different dimension.
True or False: Sookie has a boyfriend, you guys. They’re super serious.
Once Sookie snuck off with Bill to set the trap for the diseased vampires, and Bill pulled off some sneakery to make sure that Alcide couldn’t follow them, she revealed that she wasn’t very sure if she loves Alcide as much as he loves her. That’s pretty messed up, she admitted, because Alcide is a good-looking dude with abs and arms that make me feel like a trash bag filled with wet leaves and he even wants to have puppies with Sookie. At the time, this all felt like worthless plot-filler, like so many other moments through the first three episodes, but it ended up meaning so much more toward the end.
True or False: Sam is no longer the worst mayor ever, because he’s no longer the mayor.
Enough with the racism crap already. Sam’s not racist, Jason’s not racist, Bill’s not racist, Jessica’s not racist, Andy’s not racist, Sookie’s not racist – nobody is f*cking racist. So leave the bullshit “Sam’s the mayor and Kenya’s the cop because RACISM!” off the script. Unless there was an openly racist Klan-robe-wearing vampire, there’s no reason for it, and it really makes the black woman fighting alongside a large group of white people look really f*cking stupid. The plot is already thick enough with the idea that “they hate what they fear.” We get it, it’s a metaphor. The other thing is not. It’s just blunt awkwardness.
Anyway, they tricked us into thinking that Sam was going to meet his demise in this episode, and it was only that vampire whose name I can never remember. I do owe an apology to the vigilant group of humans, because I didn’t realize they had vampire-killing bullets. A great deal they’ll do when they’re really tested later.
True or False: Jason wants to adopt a baby with Violet, because Jason is a f*cking idiot.
This is the kind of pointless filler that I’m talking about. The vampire race is facing an apocalyptic disease and the humans of Bon Temps are trying to fight off a horde of diseased vampires that need to snack on them to survive. Because he just left the house in Saint Alice with the pictures of the kids and whatever, Jason suddenly wants to adopt a baby with his vampire owner?
You know what? Let’s spend a few minutes of the next episode watching that go down. Maybe Jason can explain that he has great job security because he’s one of three remaining police officers in Bon Temps, and that may be two soon, because the cop that has sided with the humans is hiding in the woods. And when the case worker says no, Violet can glam her or rip her head off. One or the other.
True or False: Jessica’s boyfriend is worthless.
As much as I want Lafayette to find happiness, I’d rather he at least be in some sort of danger. Seeing him sitting in his home and getting high as f*ck with Jessica’s boyfriend is BOOOOOOOOOOORING. Also, what the hell is Jessica’s boyfriend (I don’t even care what his name is anymore) babbling about she doesn’t even think that he’s there? She’s been in Andy’s attic protecting Adilyn from the diseased vampires. He’s the dick who is letting her run around without help, so she can get shot in the shoulder. Speaking of…
True or False: Violet is the best in the world at everything.
Last episode, I thought the fat, old human lady was awesome with her one-liners, but that wore off quickly in this episode. Quick thought – what the hell kind of plan do the humans have? “Um, we’re gonna hang out in the woods and jump out with our guns to attack vampires, even though they CAN SMELL US and are faster than us… except for the dude we shot and exploded.” Great plan, Vincent. You’re now a worse mayor than Sam, because you got Maxine Fortenberry killed by Violet. Also, half your mob is about to vanish. I hope that Vincent ends up being eaten by a vampire poodle with Hep-V.
True or False: This is not war, Bill.
This show and its “war.” We spent all of Season 6 waiting for a war, and we never got more than a pillow fight. Now, Bill was hiding in a tree while Sookie was cutting herself in the woods like a teenager listening to Death Cab, and that’s war? They’re trying to lure a whopping six vampires to them, and we spent more time watching Bill think about his daughter than we did watching anyone fight.
True or False: HOLY SH*T, Bill’s daughter is the girl from the eHarmony commercials.Subscribe to UPROXX
I am pretty sure that Bill Compton’s daughter is the girl who uses that annoying baby talk in the “eHawmony” commercials when she’s bragging to her grandfather about how she’s trying to pimp out her teacher. Then again, maybe all young white girls look alike to me, and I’m the racist in this show. Damn, now I feel like a dick about all that unnecessary racism stuff from before.
True or False: The Japanese corporation’s foot soldiers are terrible at their jobs.
The pharmaceutical company is obviously the new big enemy, but why the hell do they want Sarah Newlin? Scratch it, who cares, we’ve got Sarah back, so I’m happy as hell about that. But they killed the yogi once he was done with his synchronized breathless orgasms, and they didn’t bother going in to look for the girl they were there to find after the guy said that he knew her? Come on, corporate hitmen, you used to be so much better than this! At least the yogi got his. That’ll teach him for calling a bro out like that.
So that leads me to this question before we get to the big thing – does Eric somehow end up saving Sarah from the corporation under the premise that they need to work together to stop the ultimate evil? Would that even work at this point? Who am I kidding, NOTHING makes sense anymore, so of course that’s probably where we’re going with this. So help me, if Sarah doesn’t meet the most incredible demise at Eric’s hands before this thing is over, I am going to complain on the Internet more than usual.
True or False: That was a cold, cold way to end this one, True Blood. So cold.
The most f*cked up part about watching Alcide die is that Sookie knew they could have saved him by letting Jessica or Bill work their vampire magic, but she wouldn’t let them. After admitting that she doesn’t love Alcide enough, Sookie then stops the only creatures that can save him from saving him. Honestly, I don’t care about that nonsense, because I’m sure that Alcide wouldn’t have wanted to be revived by a vampire. Alcide deserved way better an ending than that one. There’s going out on top and going out on the bottom, and that was like going out on the side through a run-off pipe. F*ck you for that one, True Blood.