It’s been a long time since I put together a post of awful TV pitches. A really long time. Like, almost two years. But after seeing what kind of stupid, Poochie Lawyer-style shows the networks seem to be rolling out this year, I figured I should probably throw a bunch out there just in case. I mean, I’m not saying I think it’s likely some bigshot Hollywood such-and-such will read all of these and give me complete creative control of a struggling cable network, but I really don’t see any way we can rule it out at this point, either.
So, I dug back through my Twitter archive and found some of my best/worst pitches from the past year or so, and compiled them all here along with expanded summaries and potential sample quotes from the commercials that would be used to promote them. I’ve got some doozies here, people. Buckle in.
Title: The Superman Chronicles
Summary: The Daily Planet, like most newspapers in the 21st century, has fallen on hard times. In a cost-cutting move, the paper asks Clark Kent and Lois Lane to accept buyouts. The two veteran reporters decide to start a website called “The Superman Chronicles” that details the ins and outs of the superhero’s good deeds, and daily life. But can Clark keep his secret identity from Lois in such tight quarters? And who is this commenter who keeps leaving anonymous messages that say “I know who you are”? Tune in to find out.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Clark! Where are you going?! We’ve got to Skype with Superman for our podcast! CLARK?!”
Title: Founding Fathers
Summary: While in Philadelphia plotting revolution, the Founding Fathers — through a series of zany circumstances — end up adopting a precocious, wise-cracking 8-year-old orphan, who they take turns babysitting.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Will you PLEASE keep it down? I am TRYING to write the Declaration of Independence! … Excuse me? Where did you pick up such foul langua-… FRAAAAAANKLIN!!!!!!”
Title: Dinosaur Spies
Summary: Building off the success of The Americans, here comes another spy drama set in the past. WAY back in the past. Harold, a Tyrannosaurus, goes undercover to infiltrate other species of dinosaurs to learn their secrets, and reports them back to his Tyrannosaurus bosses.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “You are definitely a Tyrannosaurus.” “No, I’m totally a Stegosaurus. You can trust me.” [dramatic music, cut to commercial]
Title: Lonely Arts Club
Summary: A group of high school music and art teachers are told they can keep their programs alive only if they raise 50% of the budget. After a number of failed bake sales and raffles, they eventually turn to crime, and start robbing the homes and businesses of the wealthy families in the nearby, more well-to-do school districts.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Grappling hooks?! But I’m a piano teacher!”
Title: Mad Teens
Summary: The year is 1982. The son Joan had with Roger, Kevin, is now 16 years old, and he is THE COOLEST KID IN SCHOOL. All the girls at the fancy Manhattan academy he attends want him, and all the boys want to be him. The only person who doesn’t love him is the school’s uptight headmaster, Dr. Standishbottom, who has vowed to get him expelled before he graduates, and will stop at nothing to do so. Hijinks galore.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Sorry to hear about your car, Dr. Standishbottom. All that popcorn must have been a real pain to clean up.” [slides sunglasses down nose, winks at camera]
Title: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Cop
Summary: The latest edition of Bravo’s popular Real Housewives series focuses on the spouses of the cast and crew of the 1984 Eddie Murphy film Beverly Hills Cop.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “I DON’T CARE IF YOUR HUSBAND PLAYED TAGGART, DAMMIT!”
Title: Robes Pierre
Summary: Sam Woodward runs a luxury robes business, specializing in robes made in France, and portrays a goofy, America-hating French character named “Robes Pierre” in the commercials. Little does he know revolutionaries on the small fictional island of Polula have been splicing together clips from his commercials to create fiery anti-government tirades, and using them to inspire the people as they try to overthrow their ruthless, corrupt king.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “They’re doing WHAT? Where?! Polula?! BUT I’M JUST A ROBE SALESMAN!”
Photo credit: Keetten Predators
Title: The Bourne IDs
Summary: Jason Bourne’s cousin, Steve Bourne, was a Twitter celebrity with over two million followers. Then one day a bolt of lightning struck his iPhone while he was composing a tweet, and he woke up in the hospital with amnesia. Now he walks around aimlessly trying to piece together fleeting memories from his past.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Tell me this, Heather. Why do I keep thinking of these short, snarky jokes? Huh? Why would I do that?! And who is Dad Boner?! Are you Dad Boner?!”
Title: The Long Arms of the Law
Summary: Derrick Stevens was a five-time NBA All-Star, but chose to give it all up to fulfill his dying mother’s wish that he become a lawyer. Now he’s in his first year of law school, and struggling with both the workload and the culture shock. Lots of montages featuring studying all night in the library.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Listen, Derrick. I know you were a star when you stepped on the court. But you’re gonna have to make some changes if you want to be a star when you step in the court.”
Title: Florida ICU
Summary: A reality series that takes place in a Tampa intensive care unit.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Son. How did you get a dang nunchuck stuck in your urethra?”
Title: Percy Hammer: Private Investigator
Summary: Percy Hammer (Tim Gunn-type) is your typical 1920s P.I., except for one thing. He secretly hates his job, and is dying to get into fashion.
Sample Quote From Commercial: (voiceover) “I could tell she was trouble from the moment she walked in. How? She was a dame, and all dames are trouble. She sat down in my office and spilled her guts. Her story was almost as long as her legs. Yeah, I took the case, but I’d have to keep an eye on this one. And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Oh, honey. Just … no.”
Title: Bear Market
Summary: A tense Wall Street drama. Featuring koalas. As bankers. In suits. With little briefcases and everything.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Everybody hurry! Eucalyptus future are going through the roof!”
Title: First Dude Boners McGee
Summary: Valerie McGee graduated from Harvard at the top of her class, worked at a number of prestigious law firms, and has just been elected President of the United States. Her husband, on the other hand, John “Boners” McGee, is a lovable slob who would rather go bowling than attend a State dinner, and refuses to wear a tie. Despite their differences, and his numerous embarrassing slip-ups, she loves the big lug.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “On behalf of the people of Monaco, allow me to say that it’s an honor to meet you, Madam President and Mr. McGee.” “Please, call me Boners.”
Photo credit: txking
Title: The Dikembe Mutombo Variety Hour
Summary: Former NBA All-Star Dikembe Mutombo hosts a primetime variety show.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Hello, I’m Dikembe Mutombo, and this is my television show.”
Title: Premium Hops
Summary: A bumbling brewer (Jack Black-type) accidentally creates a beer that gives rabbits temporary superpowers. Now, anytime he wants, he can have a team of super-smart, super-strong, super-drunk bunnies at his disposal. Only one question remains: Should he use this power for good … or evil?
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Yes, drink up, Mr. Fluffy. We have important business to discuss.”
Title: The Robotanist
Summary: A dark, futuristic drama where robots have replaced humans in many household jobs: maid, chef, driver, etc. But a glitch in the gardener robots, the Robotanist 5000, is causing them to seduce the bored, wealthy housewives they are there to serve, and it is slowly tearing the fabric of the country apart.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “DAMMIT, ROBOTANIST. STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.”
Title: Boardwalk Umpire
Summary: A minor-league umpire must navigate the dangerous politics and pressure from organized crime that have riddled his quiet seaside community for years.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “You’re gonna call the game the way we say, or we’re gonna strike your balls until you’re out. You get me?”
Title: Miranda Writes
Summary: Miranda Daly, a tough, no-nonsense big city cop, has a secret life as a steamy romance novelist named Mallory Décolletage.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Miranda, you look tired. What, were you up all night reading one of those sexy romance books?” “Oh no. I don’t read that garbage.”
Photo credit: John Roman Images
Title: Toddler Negotiator
Summary: After watching a child get his way after a tantrum in a grocery store, Mayor Dale Rice has a brilliant idea: He hires a local toddler as high-stakes crisis negotiator.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Wewease aww the hostages or I swea-uw I’ll stawt scweaming!” “You wouldn’t dare!” “Twy me.”
Photo credit: glenda
Title: Untitled Channing Tatum/Jennifer Lawrence/Talking Dog Project
Summary: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Lawrence live in a house with a talking dog.
Sample Quote From Commercial: “Holy crap, Jennifer Lawrence. That dog just talked, or my name isn’t Channing Tatum.
Photoshop by Burnsy