Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 9 p.m.) — Bourdain eats food, hopefully not monkeys, on Monkey Beach. I don’t care where or what that is, I want to be there right now and not have to write about the terrible, terrible shows that make up the rest of Monday’s night schedule.
Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, 8 p.m.) — OMG, there are wild monkeys on the beach.
The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 p.m.) — “Monkeys come down to the beach where tourists will fed them fruits. But be careful, when you have no more food to give, they will sometimes jump on you wanting more.” !!!!!!!!
MasterChef (Fox, 9 p.m.) — I bet many a tourist has hidden Statue of Liberty figurines in the picturesque sands of Monkey Beach, just to be a jerk. I would do the exact same thing.
The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 9 p.m.) — Do monkey butlers have human butlers?
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Joan Rivers on Letterman; Martin Short, Aubrey Plaza, and Def Leppard on Leno; Christina Ricci on Kimmel; Jason Schwartzman and Angie Harmon on Fallon; Aaron Paul on Conan; Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein on Stewart; and John Lewis on Colbert.