America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8 p.m.) – Season premiere, now with more Howard Stern and less Piers Morgan. And yet: I would only watch this if Fartman makes his triumphant return to TV, and rips huge, juicy ones while standing in front of Howie Mandel’s face. That’s talent.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) – One-hour season finale. Marshall and Lily FINALLY have the baby they’ve been talking about since, like, the pilot, and Barney’s wife is revealed. This hasn’t been a great season of “How I Met,” but it’s still reliably charming and the only thing worth watching on CBS not called “The Good Wife.”
House (Fox, 9 p.m.) – Olivia Wilde returns as Thirteen. Expect a full GIF breakdown on Friday (though it will never be as good as this).
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 p.m.) – Season finale. Tonight’s episode has “Al-Qaeda!” in the title, so you know it’s going to be funny.
Smash (NBC, 10 p.m.) – Season finale. Hey, remember those incessant promos that aired during the Super Bowl? Those certainly were annoying. And, um, airplane food…(I got nothing, folks.)
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Adam Scott and Tenacious D on Letterman; the Kardashians on Leno; Mila Kunis, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Rashida Jones (in Scotland!) on Ferguson; Gordon Ramsay and Willie Nelson on Fallon; and Chelsea Handler and Billy Eichner on Conan.