Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. The final four are Kevin, Ed, Angelo, and Fatty McGee. I haven’t watched this season, but the favorites seem to win seem to be Ed or Angelo. Whatevs, man. Just gimme more slo-mo shots of Padma eating. (Followed by the series premiere of Gail Simmons’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.”)
Outlaw (NBC) — Series premiere. In this series executive produced by Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Smits plays a Supreme Court judge, playboy, and gambler who quits his post when he becomes disenchanted with the law. So is it any good? “Smits is a fully glazed, overcooked ham.” “It’s a silly, implausible conceit.” “I can imagine no conceivable rationale in the known universe to turn on Outlaw.” Right-o.
Survivor: Nicaragua (CBS) — Season premiere. Damn you, Jimmy Johnson! Why couldn’t you have just told me who the final three are!
Dark Blue (TNT) — Season finale. I make fun of TNT for making some truly crappy cop shows, but this one is actually pretty good. And I’m not just saying that because I want to get on Tricia Helfer’s good side.
The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season premiere. Hey look, a reality show where the winners often actually succeed! This season’s coaches are Josh Koscheck and French-Canadian man-god Georges St-Pierre.
Big Brother 12 (CBS) — Season finale. In a terrible twist of fate that I find positively delightful, ousted “Brother” contestant Britney’s house burned down, but she doesn’t know yet because she’s sequestered until tonight’s finale.
America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season finale. I have no idea who the finalists are, and I couldn’t possibly care less. Please note the correct negative form of the phrase; people who say “I could care less” are inbred mongoloids.