A Monster With the Head of a Lion and the Jacked-Up Knees of Owen Daniels

11.02.09 8 years ago 59 Comments


Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.


Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.

Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.

Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.

Matt Schaub: Like what?

Owen Daniels: All right – promise not to laugh? I’ve been reading up on this book called “Mystical Monsters.”

Matt Schaub: Okay?

Owen Daniels: Well, like, you know how people got nicknames like Slash-N-Dash or running back committees are called two- or three-headed monsters?

Matt Schaub: Sure.

Owen Daniels: So me, you, Andre and Slaton, we’re like a four-headed offensive monster, right? And this book had one of those. Loogit! It’s called the Chimera.


Matt Schaub: That’s…interesting. So who is what? Which one am I?

Owen Daniels: See, that was the last detail I needed to iron out. For me, I like that tail in the form of the snake. He’s sneaky dangerous, like me. No expects a monster to have a snake head around back. Plus, it’s kinda phallic. I could be snake dick. Like, when other tight ends catch passes, it’s COOOOOLLLLLLEEEEYYYYYY or HEEEEEEAAAAAPPPPPPP or HHHHEEEEEAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHH. For me, Houston fans would go SSSSSNNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEE DDDDDDIIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKK.

[Fantasy draft boards fly open]


Steve Slaton: Why the fuck are you guys yelling about a snake dick?

Owen Daniels: We’re trying to figure out which of me, you, Schaub and Andre is what on this chimera.

Steve Slaton: And you’re snake dick?

Owen Daniels: Yep.

Steve Slaton: Makes sense. I could see you as snake dick. Matt, you’re obviously the goat.

Matt Schaub: What? No way. You’re the goat.

Steve Slaton: I’m not the goat, goat.

Matt Schaub: Fuck off with that goat shit, goat.

Steve Slaton: I’m the motherfucking lion.

Matt Schaub: Lions don’t get benched.

Steve Slaton: FUCK YOU!


Andre Johnson: What’s all this commotion?

Matt Schaub: Slaton is trying to make me the Chimera goat.

Steve Slaton: This goofy son of a bitch says I can’t be the lion. What? He want the white man to be lion. White man can’t be no lion. You is one goaty little bitch.

Andre Johnson: Listen, listen, just everybody calm down. I will be the goat. Steve, you can be the lion. Matt, you’re the dragon. See? Not so tough.

Matt Schaub: Really? You don’t mind being the goat.

Andre Johnson: Nah, man. I’m cool with it.

Steve Slaton: But why?

Andre Johnson: ‘CAUSE I’S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIMES, LITTLE FUCK LION. Go get your lionnesses to do your hunting for you, bench bitch! BBBAAA-AAAAAA-AAAHHHHHH! G.O.A.T.!

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