KSK Mock Draft: Non-Player Bounties

03.30.12 6 years ago 105 Comments

With all the news about bounties in the NFL, it’s about time for us to issue some more of our own. Instead of players, we’re drafting anyone else who works in the NFL. That includes coaches, owners, front office types, referees and league officials who we’d like to see bent in half by a vicious hit. The draft order is as follows.

1. Big Daddy Drew
2. Christmas Ape
3. Unsilent Majority
4. Flubby
5. Captain Caveman

1. Big Daddy Drew – Dan Snyder

Now! Get him now!.

Has to be #1.

2. Christmas Ape – Roger Goodell

Ideally, while impressing Peter King with a set of exploding push-ups.

3. Unsilent Majority – Bill Parcells

I have hated every team he’s ever coached.

4. Flubby – John Fucking Elway

5. Captain Caveman – 5. Bill Leavy


First round recap: I was pretty sure that Herr Goodell would go number one followed by Snyder, but Drew saw things differently. I followed up two of the easier picks in KSK Mock Draft history by employing the best player available strategy. Flubby and Matt do the right thing by their respective franchises with an enemy quarterback turned enemy executive and the most hated referee in Seattle.

6. Captain Caveman – Mike Brown


Not that I give a shit about the Bengals, but that asshole deserves to get his back broken.

7. Flubby – Bill Belichick

SI Vault

8. Unsilent Majority – Vinny Cerrato

9. Christmas Ape – Josh McDaniels


10. Big Daddy Drew – Jerral Jones


Second round recap: No real surprises in this round. Somebody had to take Brown and Belichick, so it’s good to get them out of the way early. I went with Vinny, because of course I did. McD becomes the first assistant coach to get the nod. He is followed up by Double J, who is a good value as the tenth pick.

11. Big Daddy Drew – AJ Smith


12. Christmas Ape – Jeff Triplette


13. Unsilent Majority – Jim Irsay


14. Flubby – Jerry Richardson


15. Captain Caveman – Al Davis

His corpse has it coming.

Third round recap: Drew wins some new fans in San Diego, Ape goes with everyone’s (read: my) most hated ref, and I get myself a deserving owner to provide some balance on my squad. Two more owner’s follow, one who is already dead, and one who union reps hope is next to go.

Pretty solid picks all around, but there are plenty of scraps left to pick through. Have at it in the comments.

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