FilmDrunk

REVIEW: Jobs

Imagine if they made a movie with Ashton Kutcher, and they gave it ALL OF THE TAGLINES!

“It’s not just a music player, it’s a tool for the heart.”

“Who has a baby and throws it away?”

“You’re damn good, but you’re an asshole.”

“I just can’t work for other people!”

“I want to put a dent in the universe!”

“Nobody wants to buy a computer!” “But this is the wheel! This is freedom!”

“We don’t. Stop. Innovating.”

Everything. Is a pressing. Issue.”

“He’s like a kid in a candy store, and we’ve given him the keys!”

OH F*CK, STEVE JOBS IS GOING TO KEY ALL OF THE CANDY! SHUT IT DOWN, HE’S TOO MUCH OF A REVOLUTIONARY!

Welcome to Jobs, a film composed entirely of taglines and symbolic turning points telling the fourth grade history book version of Steve Jobs using the biopic playbook from 1998. It’s basically a list of bullet points on fast forward, like it’s in a hurry to get to the credits montage with side-by-sides. MY GOODNESS, LOOK HOW MUCH THE ACTORS LOOK LIKE THE PEOPLE!

And in case you forget that Ashton Kutcher is playing Steve Jobs, they say “Steve” no less than 73 times.

It opens with Steve Jobs – played by Ashton Kutcher, who, I don’t know if you know this or not, totally kind of looks like Steve Jobs – introducing the iPod at an Apple Town Hall meeting in 2001. He calls the iPod a “tool for the heart,” and the movie treats this announcement with lens flares, soaring strings, tinkling pianos, and generally with the kind of reverence normally reserved for “Ask not what your country can do for you…”

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