This Week in Posters

Did you think I’d forgotten about This Week in Posters this week? No such luck, punks! We’re back, with the latest in indies, Jason Statham, Vince Vaughn, Fake Vince Vaughn, and the latest trend in posters: stripes!

Afternoon Delight: Penis! Vagina! Bukkake double team! No wait! Two chicks going ass to ass with a tranny! Hold on, is this not a Rorschach? Anyway, I’m hoping this has lots of sex. But knowing Sundance, it’ll probably just be a sad French lady with a giant muff who smokes lots of cigarettes.

I dig the old-school poster, but if it hadn’t said her name, I would have had no idea that was Eva Longoria. I thought it was Jessica Biel at first. Also, you know that scene in Black Dynamite that shows the evolution of Rosco’s Chicken and Waffles, and all the different combinations of food leading up to it before they settled on chicken and waffles? And one of them is chili and donuts? I feel like Billy Bob Thornton and Eva Longoria is the chili and donuts of onscreen pairings.

I like to think the “teapot” scam is just the honeypot with an Asian girl as bait. Anyway, this poster gets points on account of I can’t stop staring at it. Partly because it’s very eye catching, partly because I can’t figure out what the hell is going on with their legs.

I understand that “revenge never gets old” was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek reference to Stallone being too old to play an action hero in a B-movie, but the being-all-wry-and-self-aware effect is undercut by the fact that his face is airbrushed to hell. It’s like they wrote a movie with Sly being old in mind, but he’s still so old they still have to bend over backwards to make him look less old. That said, I hope to kick as much ass as Stallone does when I’m his age. Not that people will want to watch a movie about that either, but it is inspirational.

I have no idea what’s going on here and I love everything about it.

This candid New York love story explores the chaotic 40-year marriage of famed boxing painter Ushio Shinohara and his wife, Noriko. Anxious to shed her role as her overbearing husband’s assistant, Noriko finds an identity of her own. [IMDB]

(*sigh*) I’m so bored just reading this title. I can’t imagine having the drive to actually conceive, write, produce, and create this movie.

Also, don’t ask me why, but I’m surprised Scott Caan isn’t in this.

Hey, remember Shannyn Sossamon? She was the next big thing in ’01-’02. She was Heath Ledger’s love interest in First Knight. His career took off after that. And yet, maybe the fact that hers didn’t is for the best.

I’m sick of all these animated movies with humans in them. What’s the point of animation if not to have anthropomorphic talking animals and creatures? My brain still refuses to see Robin Hood as anything but a fox. BRING BACK THE TALKIN’ ANIMALS! Just tell me where to address these angry letters.

Serious question: What’s the last movie Cameron Diaz was in where she played a role she wasn’t horribly miscast for? Charlie’s Angels? Vanilla Sky? It’s like she’s made a full break with any world outside of movie sets, and now trying to style her is like finding a cloak for a unicorn. How else do you explain that outfit? That is not an outfit any person not in a movie would wear.

I’d love to evaluate the poster on its own merits, but I can’t see anything Charles Swan-related now without thinking how terrible the movie is. The mind of Charles Swan you get a glimpse into is truly a land of obnoxiously over-styled banal fantasy. Also, can we stop treating Charlie Sheen as if he’s some über-male ladies man? He’s a delusional dork. His love interest in this movie is hotter than the chicks Charlie Sheen dates in real life, and in real life he’s Charlie Sheen. That’s how unrealistic it is.

Whatever they’re looking at doesn’t seem to concern that chick too much.

Look out, horror movies, there’s some dangerously incisive parody coming your way. Strange thing is, I actually liked Don’t Be A Menace to South Central… and the first two Scary Movies. Now we’ve got “I just kicked you in your ghost balls” as one of the jokes. I wish I had the energy to think up jokes that lazy.

Leave it to a Mormon housewife to assert that, yes, there are still flat-front khakis and dudes named “Jared” in the dystopian future.

Hooray, a new Hunger Games movie. This must be one of those Handing Jay pins I’ve been hearing so much about.

That heart-shaped pillow with the guts torn out leads me to believe one of these relationships is in trouble. “From the writer of Borat” also sounds a lot less impressive when you realize 90% of the jokes in that were Sacha Cohen’s improvising. Although, credit where credit is due, if this writer wrote the running of the Jew scene, he has my respect forever.

Is it wrong that I have a hard time believing Simon Baker as anyone but a news anchor or game show host? He’s not believable to me as anyone whose job isn’t based on being good looking.

FEAR. Fear those trees. Because the trees are KNIVES. Pretty neat, though I have no idea what it’s about. Killer trees? Oh shit, is this a spinoff of The Happening?

I dig these old-school posters designs. meanwhile, if you could find a hairdresser that could carefully dishevel your hair just like that every time, he’d probably make a buttload of money.

Yo, they interns for Google, get it? It’s actually kind of a clever poster. It’s also the movie that gave us this picture from the set:

Which leads me to wonder… is Vince Vaughn now aware that his background-ice-cream-eater character has become a meme? Has this meme become self-aware? Or does Vince Vaughn just really like ice cream?

You can tell this isn’t a Peter Jackson movie because none of the giants have goiters or boils or turkey necks or oozing sores or bird shit caked down their faces. Peter Jackson really missed his calling as a fake vomit designer.

That planet doesn’t look that lonely. Also, have you noticed how overrepresented redheads are in movies right now? If you’re an actress looking to get booked, dye your hair red like yesterday. I can’t even remember the last superhero movie that didn’t have a redhead in it.

What the f*ck happened to Kate Winslet’s forehead?

Every time I see a Parker poster without Jason Statham in a cowboy hat I get really sad.

Christian Slater AND Anthony Anderson? What God did I please?? Also, here’s the first of this week’s trend watch: stripes! (It’s a pretty weak week for trends, I admit).

You have no idea how much I wish that guy was Vince Vaughn. Also, given that it’s called “Saving Lincoln,” I hope this is a Tarantino-esque wishful alternate future where one of Lincoln’s bros saves him from assassination and they go on to form a rockin’ mandolin trio that tours all over the midwest.

Based on a true story of a Viagra commercial about building a house.

Oh man, a Terrence Malick movie about a soft breeze blowing a pretty girl’s hair into her face, who could’ve ever seen this coming?

Are stripes the new trend in poster design??? It could be. It definitely works here, this poster is pretty kickass. Though “Welcome to the Punch” is a crappy title. What were the other choices? Lights, Camera, Fistfight? Asswhoop Town: Population You?

[all posters via IMPA]