This Week in Posters & Stills: Hobbits and Horror

Well, folks, it’s a month before October, and you know what that means: horror season! Expect lots of boring horror movie posters this week – you know, creepy kids, blood spatter, haunted houses. But that’s not all. Of course we’ve got new Hobbit stuff, Peter Jackson probably keeps a journal about the color and texture of dump he took that morning. Partly because he’s just that self-indulgent these days, partly because New Zealand is just that boring.

I like to think that in this shot (of the Elven King/cult prophet Elrond Hubbard) Hugo Weaving is looking down at his script thinking, “Fuuuuuu…. I signed on for two more years of this sh*t? Christ, man, I’m not an elf that lives for 500 years, I’ve got some other stuff I’d like to do before I die.”

I caught the trailer for this a while back and thought it looked like sitting through a root canal, but no sooner had I finished writing something to that effect than I went on Facebook, and found my timeline clogged with half the girls I know screaming, “OMG, ANNA KARENINA, THIS WILL BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER!” Granted, I did attend a fancy grad school writing program that was 90 percent female, but I still imagine this illustrates some important feature of the gender divide. Costumes and longing are like tits and fire to chicks.

Oh man, Jude Law is eye-sexing you so hard right now. Those gloves are going to become a weapon, and this is going to turn into some rough trade, 50 Shades of Gray-type sh– oops, hold on. It looks like I’m being arrested by the literary police for accidentally comparing Tolstoy to Twilight fan fiction. My bad. See you guys in five to ten.

Serious question: How the hell do you get that thing on? It doesn’t look like something you can pull it over your head and it doesn’t seem to open in the front. Is there a zipper in the back? Do you have to get one of your fellow shaggy-headed Russian soldiers to help you zip it up? Seems inconvenient in the middle of battle.

Wow, this looks stupid. Wait, is that the guy from Will and Grace? Nevermind, this looks great. STOP TRYING TO REDECORATE MY HOUSE, ERIC MCCORMACK! UGH, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! I DON’T EVEN LIKE SHABBY CHIC!

Here’s the first of a couple new stills from Red Dawn. They totes know how to hold a rifle now, thanks to their extensive green beret training with the small town’s football team in the woods.