The fickle Gods of WordPress have decided that we’ll be going in reverse alphabetical order this week, so we begin with The Witch, which probably had the coolest set of posters of 2015. This one isn’t nearly as cool as the goat one, but few things are. It also looks pretty sexy for a movie that’s mostly about English colonists digging in the dirt in a malarial wilderness wearing 10 pounds of wool with buckles on it because God said so. Man, those people sucked. I assume “a witch” was anyone having fun.
It’s nice when an actress is unrecognizable on a poster because the movie seems like a departure rather than because they’ve photoshopped her to death. Anyway, the explosion says “war movie” but the yellow text says “cheeky war movie.”
These cartoons seem somewhat easy to write, so… why not go with a story where the kids might accidentally learn something? Nah, let’s go with Victorian-era birthing myths. “Storks! From the studio that brought you Mulattoes and The Vapors. ”
A furry cartoon animal travels to New York? Classic. I will say, the lemming guy as the Statue of Liberty crown is a nice touch. Also, Rob Schneider in the lead? Nice work. Has anyone had a more charmed career than Rob Schneider? Discuss.
Starring Gravitas, Gravitas, and a game show host’s sentient haircut. Seriously, what the hell is Josh Duhamel doing there? How many actors had to turn this down before they got to Josh Duhamel? Josh Duhamel is the thinking man’s Kellan Lutz.
It’s also a nice example that old film school trope, “oh, and there’s a gun there for some reason.”
Ah, it appears we’ve reached the “tacking on ‘In Space'” phase of Ice Age sequelization. And if you want to know how this franchise has lasted so long, just look at Scrat’s face. His goofy fangs. The curve on his little snout. The snorty nostrils. That is some goddamned amazing character design that any animated movie should strive to achieve.
The trailer for this actually looked pretty wild, but I’m not sure what’s supposed to be happening in this poster. What is that liquid? When they hit each other, does mercury spew out? This looks like an ad for a European liqueur.
Here’s the first of a new batch of character posters from Lady Ghostbusters (that’s what it’s called, sorry). Is that Kate McKinnon? These are very subtle.
Do they ever need more than the logo? I hope the guy who designed that still gets royalties, there’s no way people would still care about Ghostbusters without the little ghost logo.
Would you have guessed that this was Melissa McCarthy? Yeah, me neither. Also, the blaster thingy looks very phallic, which I assume was intentional. “Bustin’ makes me feel good” and all that.
Now that’s Leslie Jones, that much I know. That’s a power poster move right there, where you know people are already so familiar with the brand that you can just focus on the little details.
What’s going on with the horse whip there? Is that a back scratcher? A spatula? A fly swatter? I feel like they could’ve made that joke land a little better. But hey, at least the play on words actually makes sense this time. Baby steps.
You ever wonder what happened to the other Wayans brothers? You know how sometimes siblings can consume each other in utero? Somehow Marlon Wayans did that, but with full-grown men.
And here we have a poster for J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter follow up (prequel? spinoff? I’m not Googling this), Fantastic Beasts, starring Eddie Redmayne. Which is great casting, Eddie Redmayne definitely seems like a guy who went to a boarding school for wizards.
Eddie the Eagle is, of course, the story of Britain’s first ski jumper, who came in last in the 1988 Olympic games but in the process won the hearts of a dorky nation. Honestly, I would watch 10 hours of movies just about cult British celebrities who got last place in something. “Oi, an’ ova heah is No Hands Nigew Rogahs, oo was ‘avin a lauff on da luge track.”
Oh, and the poster is pretty good too. They really logo-ized it.
They’re really nailing swooping geometric shapes and creating the illusion of motion with these. Also, stubbly Hugh Jackman with a flat top is how I always want to experience Hugh Jackman now.
Ugh. Can’t we just enjoy a perverted old Robert De Niro without having to juxtapose him with comically prudish Zac Efron? You don’t have to give him a pink car and a gold watch and a side part and a collection of soft sweaters to make Zac Efron seem like a bloodless prude. He’s already Zac Efron. It just distracts from the vacuum of his mannequin eyes.
Here’s the thing about this Deadpool ad campaign: It’s cheeky and all, but at this point I’m not even sure if the movie is animated or not. Is he all CG? What’s going on with the eyes? I need to know juuust a little more about what the hell is going on here before I start going with the jokes. Right now it feels like a weird kid dressed up his GI Joes in his sister’s doll clothes and he thinks it’s super funny, and I just sort of want to walk out slowly and leave him to figure his stuff out on his own.
And this one just feels like it’s advertising gay porn. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
“The building is empty, but she is not alone.”
OH MY GOD IS THE HOUSE HAUNTED?! WHO IS IN THE HOUSE, IS IT A GHOST?! RUN LADY THERE IS A GHOST IN YOUR HOUSE!
This looks like The Descendants by way of Romania. Would it be incredibly xenophobic for me to assume they’re digging for corpses?… Probably. Anyway, the guy with the shovel doesn’t seem like he’s pulling his weight. Get your back into it, shovel guy.
It’s already hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of Batman and Superman fighting, and now I have to try to figure out how Wonder Woman fits in there too? Sheesh, this movie has too many moving parts.
How can Batman fight Superman? Make him Iron Man, obviously.
They all seem to be in the same space, but Superman is the only one who’s wet. What’d he do, swim here? Come on, Superman, you’re dripping everywhere. Use your cape to towel off or something.
And finally, courtesy of Ramascreen, here’s the new poster for Richard Linklater’s Everybody Wants Some, which is clearly leading with the soundtrack. Which makes sense, the music is the first thing I think of when I think of Dazed and Confused (the second thing is Wiley Wiggins grabbing the bridge of his nose).
Also, as Russ Fischer points out that some of these cassettes are the European versions. for whatever that’s worth. As for me, this poster sent me down a 20 minute Google rabbit hole trying to differentiate between “Everybody Wants Some” (Van Halen, 1980) and “Everybody Wants You” (Billy Squier, 1982). I’m glad I got that all cleared up. For the record, they don’t actually sound similar, but I bet you still hear both riffs if you hang out at a Guitar Center long enough. I think Guitar Center is the spiritual sequel to Dazed and Confused.
[all other posters via IMPA]
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.