‘The Bachelor’ recap: One woman is sent home before the rose ceremony

We’re at the stage in the competition at which some of the women seem to be waving big, red flags that plainly state “I’m CRAZY AS A BEDBUG” and “JUAN PABLO, IF YOU PICK ME YOU WILL REGRET IT UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE.” But hey, Juan Pablo is having a lot of fun, and he’s making out with chicks under waterfalls, so who cares?

Throughout this episode, I found myself thinking, “Shut UP, Clare,” which isn’t a good sign. Clare is still pissed off that Juan Pablo isn’t groveling at her feet for showing up at his door at 4 in the morning suggesting an ocean make-out session. How dare he suggest that wasn’t entirely above board and respectable! Humph! When she does get a one-on-one date with him, she clearly seems to be ready for a fight — and she expects an apology. He gives it to her, but he does roll his eyes a bit when she insists everything they did was entirely acceptable. Um, no. 

Even after the apology, she dwells on the topic. So what are the boundaries, since you’re all “good father” blah blah blah? Juan Pablo explains he never, ever touches a woman in front of his daughter. I assume the part he’s leaving out is “unless we are getting married,” but I doubt he really sees Clare as marriage material. No, when she’s around he doesn’t seem all that interested in talking about kids and the future, but he does seem awfully interested in snuggling and kissing and probably anything else he feels he can get away with in front of the cameras. At least, that’s what I hope. Because I get the impression that Clare is a big bag of crazy just waiting to explode and spew all over him like a rotting zombie stomach. 

Clare wasn’t the only blossoming lunatic on deck this week. Juan Pablo seemed blissfully unaware, as he and the gals were in gorgeous New Zealand enjoying Hobbiton and Zorbs (I mean, Ogos) and waterfalls and sheep poop fights. I mean, who can concentrate on which girl is nuttiest when you’ve got sheep poop to toss?

That being said, the date with Andi was both terrifying (if you’re even slightly claustrophobic) and awesome. They make out under a waterfall, then drink wine next to a geyser. Of course, the geyser pukes all over them, which was less than romantic, but for a little while it was awesome. I have high hopes for Andi, though I suspect she may wake up and realize, hmm, Juan Pablo? Meh. 

This week Juan Pablo committed to one mercy killing by sending Cassandra home early so she doesn’t miss a moment she could be spending with her son. While it’s the nicest dumping ever, I can see what he means when he says he’s in a different chapter of life than Cassandra. When she reveals she wants to “dig deep” with Juan Pablo, I think, huh, she has a deep setting? When she moans about being alone for SO long, I also think, jeez, you’re 22. Maybe the years seem longer when you’re a mom, but what, do you go by dog years or something? Juan Pablo probably has socks older than you. Bye, Cassandra! Happy birthday! 

Sharleen gets the group date rose, which seems to unnerve her more than anything. Sharleen isn’t feeling it with Juan Pablo, so next week if it doesn’t come together, she’s out. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for her to realize he just doesn’t float her boat, but I also suspect this whole weird social experiment take on dating is messing with her head. It’s just so inorganic! Well, yes, Sharleen. Juan Pablo is clearly into her, but I’m not sure why he keeps interpreting her obvious misgivings about him as adorable.  

So, with Cassandra gone, only one girl gets the boot after the cocktail party. Andi, Sharleen and Cat have roses. This is cute — Chelsie is sure Kat is going home, and Kat is sure Chelsie is going home. Zoinks! 

During the cocktail party, Chelsie sits down and talks to Juan Pablo. And talks. And talks. Shut UP, Chelsie. He tells her she’s here for a reason, which sounds like it could be a conversation with her priest. We all have a purpose in life, Chelsie! Maybe you’re meant to help children in need? Knit scarves for homeless people? 

Next, Kat tells Juan Pablo about her journal. And talks. And talk. Shut UP, Kat. Her dad was a drunk and awful and left Kat’s little sister to sob in her crib, so she can’t trust! Juan Pablo looks uncomfortable. Really, really uncomfortable. This does not deter Kat from telling her tale of woe, however.  I think he’s already decided who’s going home, and from the frozen look of horror on his face, it’s clearly Kat.  

Rose ceremony! 

Nikki gets a rose.

Renee gets a rose.

Last rose! And it goes to… Chelsie. Bye, Kat!

Sharleen seems devastated — actually, more devastated than Kat. Kat thought it was a marathon, not a sprint! Everyone tells her she’s a catch, but here she sits, single and stuff. Yeah, I’m thinking telling dates about your journaling isn’t a great idea, Kat. But if you really want to, maybe get a joke T-shirt that says “Unable to Trust” or “Not So Good at this Relationship Thing.” 

Next, Miami! Oh, and tears. And bitch fighting. So, all this good behavior stuff? Officially over. Although this has to be the nicest group of ladies on this show ever, because by this point in most seasons the women are tearing out one another’s hair and trying to figure out if they can trick one another into drinking hair spray. Good luck, ladies!

Who do you think will get the final rose? Do you think Juan Pablo will find true love? Do you think Sharleen is leaving?