On August 31, PlayStation.Blog announced a March 18 release date for the highly anticipated video game Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End. That leaves just six months until we can play Nathan Drake’s latest adventure (and between one and infinity years until the movie adaptation comes out). In the meantime, here are some travel destinations that will make you feel just like your favorite hard-hitting, heart-stealing, copyright-infringement-lawsuit-avoiding treasure hunter who isn’t named Indiana Jones.
Any idiot with a fanny pack and a guidebook can visit ancient ruins like Nathan Drake, but this guide will show you how to recreate his swashbuckling adventures without (hopefully) getting mauled by a yeti.
HUNT FOR ANCIENT TREASURE
Maybe Nathan Drake really is a distant relative of famous pirate Sir Francis Drake. Maybe that’s just something he says to pick up women in Calcutta. But one thing’s for certain: Dude has found a lot of treasure. And he doesn’t put that pirate gold in a museum, either. Nathan is all about getting his. Those sweet leather bracelets he fancies don’t buy themselves.
How you can do it:
Hunt for ancient treasure of your own on a diving tour of a sunken Spanish galleon with Atocha Dive Adventure in Key West, Florida. Spend a week searching for treasure during the day, and (as evidenced by their promotional video) dancing to Jimmy Buffett with chardonnay confidence at night. And because the tour only lets you keep up to $3,000 of any treasure you find, you might get the chance to interact with some real life pirates, as well.
Judging by a recent discovery of $4.5 million in 300-year-old gold coins off the coast of Vero Beach, Florida, there is still a whole lot of treasure in that water.
SWING, CLIMB, AND SCAMPER THROUGH THE RAIN FOREST
Besides being an expert in ancient cultures and possessor of the most perfectly constructed jaw line in the history of mankind, Nathan Drake also has the finger strength and climbing ability of an angry chimpanzee–
How you can do it:
Swing, climb, and frolic through a tropical rain forest at the Canopy El Eden zip line tour in the jungles of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. As an added bonus, the tour goes through the filming location for Predator, so for increased thrills, you can pretend you’re Nathan Drake zip-lining away from an extraterrestrial hunter with space dreads. Which, to be fair, is one of the few plot devices Uncharted hasn’t gotten around to yet.
If you still need a swashbuckling fix, head over to the nearby Marigalante pirate ship cruise for an evening of locals pretending to be Jack Sparrow, sunburned Canadians, and all-you-can-drink tequila. You’ll probably enjoy one of those things a bit more than the others.
GO ALL PARKOUR THROUGH AN ANCIENT CITY
Like Batman, being an orphan has somehow transferred superhuman acrobatic skills to Nathan Drake. He uses his insane parkour abilities to escape from desert assassins, an urban war zone, and a train dangling off the side of a mountain.
How you can do it:
Go all parkour through an ancient city, dodging through a bazaar as the pungent smells of clove and cardamom twine through the air… with a Turkish parkour instructor! The Acro Academy gives private parkour lessons in a padded studio in Istanbul, and afterwards, you can take your free running skills to the (decidedly non-padded) streets. Will you fall off a building while attempting a barrel roll? Yes. Will you break your leg and spend the rest of your vacation in the hospital? Likely. Will you deeply embarrass yourself while trying to navigate a Turkish squat toilet with your crutches? Most definitely.
But will it be epic? There’s only one way to find out, you daring soul.
GET IN HORRIFIC GUN FIGHTS IN SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES ON EARTH
For all his boyish good looks, puckish charm, and semi-functional moral compass, Nathan Drake has amassed a body count to rival Pol Pot and African mosquitoes. Whether he does it with assault rifles, Steven Seagal-esque neck snaps, or the classic “drag a guy to the bottom of the ocean with a helicopter” move, Nathan Drake really loves killing dudes. But the man is just too damn likable to hold a bit of mass murder against him.
How you can do it:
Strap on all the appropriate safety gear and get in a not-so-horrific paintball gun fight in one of the most beautiful places on earth at Luquillo Paintball in Luquillo, Puerto Rico. Unlike Nathan Drake, you won’t be in any real danger (though the crotch shield combined with the tropical humidity could lead to some truly frightening rashes). And in all likelihood, you won’t be battling any pirates or mercenaries like Nathan Drake, either. But this is a Puerto Rican tourist attraction, so your chances of shooting a smug investment banker with “muy auténtico” cornrow braids are pretty high, and that’s heroic in its own way.
WEAR A SWEET LEATHER BRACELET
Look at this picture:
You probably noticed two things:
1. Nathan Drake somehow still looks cool even while riding “big spoon” on a motorcycle.
2. That sweet leather bracelet on his wrist.
How you can do it:
Wear a sweet leather bracelet just like Nathan Drake by ordering a custom leather bracelet from Ebler’s Leather and Saddle Emporium. Will a leather bracelet make you a globe-trotting, swashbuckling, lady-loving badass just like Nathan Drake? Yes. It definitely will. Why are you even asking this question? Go get a leather bracelet!
[Author’s note: My editor informed me that Nathan Drake’s sweet leather bracelet is actually more of a sweet leather band for his watch. And, after further research, it appears he is right. But, I’ve played all three Uncharted games (the PS3 ones), and I don’t remember Drake checking his watch once. Why would he even need a watch? Nathan Drake spends his days dive-rolling in caves and shooting guys in the face. It’s not like he’s going to be late for his appointment to shoot a guy in the face.]
RELAX LIKE NATHAN DRAKE
Where does Nathan Drake relax? Trick question: Nathan Drake never relaxes! Not when there is still treasure to find, hearts to break, and bad guys to slaughter in horseback gun fights. But in the highly unlikely event that Nathan Drake ever did decide to rest his many, many bullet wounds with a Janet Evanovich novel and a poolside Mai Tai, we like to think he would vacation a Saint Mary’s Island, Madagascar.
On this tiny island, you can lounge on the white sand beaches, frolic in the waves, smell the fresh lobsters being grilled over charcoal at beachside stands, and watch humpback whales cavort in the water. And in the highly unlikely event that you get bored with the lounging and the frolicking, you can still get in some swashbuckling action by searching for pirate treasure. Saint Mary’s Island was used as a “vital supply base for pirates like Captain Kidd,” and some of the famous pirate’s loot was discovered near the island in May of this year.
But if you’re anything like Nathan Drake, any attempts at treasure hunting will end in horrifying bloodshed and destruction (along with some undeniably witty quips), so you’re probably better off staying at the luxurious Princess Bora Lodge and signing up for a “wild honey body scrub” at the spa.
Is the honey scrub part of the Nathan Drake experience?
No. Not even a little bit. It just sounds delightful.
