The Definitive Guide To Using Apple’s New Emoji

07.22.17 10 months ago 3 Comments

Apple/Shutterstock/UPROXX

As a new dawn of technology and language emerges in the world, we can only assume that our communication will evolve in one of two ways: 1. We will stop communicating altogether, as the apes gain more and more intelligence making this their planet or 2. We will lose all those provincial ‘words’ we rely on now and communicate entirely in emoji. Either way, anyone who is reanimated after being cryogenically frozen while delivering a pizza will be SUPER confused. (Definitely make some movies about that! I’m happy to license any of my completely original ideas. But the ape one in particular has TONS of potential. You could call it “World of the Apes” Or “Earth of the Apes” or “Spherical Gassy Object of the Apes.” Still workshopping the title.)

Fortunately for the emoji communicators, Apple has unveiled brand new slate to satiate the masses of people who were like, “Ugh! How am I supposed to tell everyone that I’m vomiting a green substance after being bitten by a radioactive spider in the most efficient fashion????” Don’t worry ’bout it, girl. Apple’s got you.

Here at Uproxx, we know that all of these new emojis can create a lot of fear and confusion. You just learned how to properly use “dolphin, dancing Woman, Prayer Hands” to signify that your boat capsized on the way to the big salsa dancing finals, and that a pack of smart but vindictive dolphins (recently escaped from a government study) are hunting you and your crew down one by one in the middle of the ocean. (Obviously the coast guard can only read in emojis). But have no fear! We’re here for you to tell you the right (and wrong ways) to use these new little guys to propose to your girlfriend or text last rites to a dying family member with whom you’re not close enough to warrant an actual visit.

Bearded Man

Apple

Perfect For: A quick way to describe your bearded Uncle Paul’s fascination with taxidermy.

What It Means If Your Significant Other Texts You This: I’m thinking of growing a beard! And by ‘thinking of’ I mean I’m going to do it anyway even though I know you’ll hate it, and you can’t break up with me because then you’d seem shallow.

Can You Use It In A Sentence? Bearded Man; Zebra; Raw Steak

Translation: A man pulled up in a black and white van and asked me if I wanted to see the litter of puppies inside. As an adult, I was suspicious, but at the same time, what if there had really been puppies?? That would have been adorable. He’s probably going to murder me now because I think we’re on the way to the woods. But I’m kind of holding out hope for the puppies just being at another location, deep in the woods, where it would really be a good place to bury a body. You never know! So I guess that brings me to my point! Can we get one of the puppies?

Head Exploding

Apple

Perfect For: Anything that is so ridiculously mind-blowing that you’re sure that you’ll never recover. For instance, the season finale of Game of Thrones or the equally plot driven, complex finale of The Bachelorette. Or maybe you’ll use it for finding out that the Berenstein Bears were ALWAYS SPELLED Berenstain…which… still makes us upset to be honest.

What It Means If Your Significant Other Texts You This: Wait, there were two twins playing Michelle in Full House but only ONE Lohan girl in The Parent Trap? Mind is blown, babe. Mind blown. Wow. Oh and by the way, lost my job today.

Can You Use It In A Sentence? Head Exploding; Magical Elf Woman; Sandwich

Translation? I just saw Chris and Liam Hemsworth at Panera, followed them to the bathroom, and you’ll never believe what I saw! They unzipped their skin suits and apparently both of them are Cate Blanchett playing a part. I mean you see them together all the time but it was always just brilliant, transformative actor, Cate Blanchett. What a world!

Breastfeeding Woman

Apple

Perfect For: Your mom to remind you that she was in labor for twenty four hours, breastfed you through bleeding nipples until you were five, never bought a thing for herself, changed your sheets when you wet the bed at 12, and still, you can’t even pick up the phone?

What It Means If Your Significant Other Texts You This: Oops. I knew there was something I was supposed to remember about antibiotics and birth control. But I have it now. It renders the birth control ineffective. Surprise!

Can You Use It In A Sentence? Zebra; Breastfeeding Woman; Bearded Man

Translation: Why is that woman riding a zebra through the mall while breastfeeding a 43 year old adult man with facial hair? (look, some of them are more literal than you’d expect!)

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