July is the cruelest month. The overbearing heat smothers us in waves of humid discomfort — sticky and nausea-inducing in its unending assault. Fleeting joys slip through our fingers like sand, as the mercury rises and our brows dampen.
Then… out from the wasteland… rises a great beacon of hope. The American Fast Food Dessert Menu. Calorie upon calorie of frozen treats, set to ease summer’s sweaty embrace. The habitat of the fast-food dessert game is a dense one, but like a delusional J. Peterman in Myanmar (always Burma to him), we’ve stumbled our way — sometimes drunkenly — through the creepers and vines of soft-serve and the archipelago of licensed candy bars to bring to you all the fast food dessert menus ranked!
First, as is customary, a few rules: No fast-casual restaurants. It’s not really fast food, and it’s just not fair. Also, In-n-Out will be excluded from this list since they only have shakes and nothing else (and people from around the country hate seeing the Cali-Vada chain on lists like this). The dessert menus will all be scored by variety as well as flavor and, in the event of a tie, the menu with the higher score for flavor will win. Why so complicated? You try writing an article in the midst of a sugar-rush. It’s a race against the clock as the inevitable crash looms and we all slip into a soft-serve induced coma.