If you’ve recently purchased a big ol’ bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin, here are some important instructions: Stop what you’re doing immediately — fake an injury, pretend you have food poisoning — and get home immediately. On the way there, call your closest friends and demand that they, too, abandon their normal daily pursuits and get over to your house immediately. And if they have bottles of Sapphire gin, tell them to bring theirs, too, because you’ve got to drink them before the government issues the worst recall in history.
Here’s the thing: Recalls are usually good because they will prevent your untimely demise by informing you exactly what foodstuffs in your fridge are contaminated by listeria. But this latest recall, currently only affecting Canada (our very, very lucky brothers and sisters to the north), is utter and complete bullsh*t. Because the reason that Bombay is recalling its gin is due to how hard you’ll turn up after drinking it.
How lit is the gin that the Canadian government wants back? According to the CBC, those who have purchased the stuff should be wary of the alcoholic content number stamped on the bottle. While it suggests that the gin inside is 40 percent alcohol, it’s closer to 80, meaning that it’s closer to Everclear than what your grandma usually puts in her 2 pm G&Ts.
The mistake happened when some bottles “inadvertently entered the bottling line during a short period of time (max 45 minutes) when they were switching from one bottling tank to another bottling tank,” Bacardi said.
Well, mistake is a relative term, isn’t it Bacardi? You call this a tragic oversight; we call it an opportunity to get drunk as a skunk (the animal most known for partying too hard) for a criminally low price. And unless you’ve got a warrant to search our premises for the stuff, then you’d better not come knocking. Ain’t no one sending their double trouble bottle of fun back willingly, so don’t even ask. (But you can come party if you’d like. Bring some mixers.)