We’re now entering the final week of Movember, and fundraisers who have weathered the storms of social mockery and spousal disapproval have learned some important lessons about mustache ownership:
Lesson one: There is a very particular type of person who likes a man with a jaunty mustache. That person is very infrequently the person you are dating.
Lesson two: The early weeks of growing out a mustache allows one to relive the uniquely crushing awkwardness of looking like a mid-puberty teenager, without any of the “mom cooks you dinner”/no taxes/ immaculate prostate benefits of youth.
And for a small, but proud minority, there is one final thing to be taken from the mustache-growing experience.
Lesson three: I look goddamn majestic.
(The Author, inset)
But mustache ownership isn’t all about the witty pop culture references and tasting ketchup many hours after you finished eating ketchup. There are also some seriously gross things going on with the whole face-hair growth process. Some of which are probably happening in your soup strainer right now.
How gross? Well how about…
Earlier this year the internet spiked to “Judi Dench nip slip” levels of activity when a study was released that claimed “Some beards as dirty as toilets.” After the expected media frenzy (of which we played our own humble part), the inevitable follow up of critical examination found the “poop beard” findings were less a rigorous scientific study so much as a TV reporter in New Mexico who rigorously wiped facial hair with q tips.