Earlier this week, I swore salad off forever after two people found a bat in a bag of spring mix marketed for human consumption. As a vegetarian who avoids actual vegetables at any opportunity, that task was easy for me, but then I started thinking about it further. Sure, I could avoid eating packaged lettuce (the only way to go, really, because then you don’t actually have to wash or cut it yourself) forever, but what other foods weren’t safe? What else could possibly frighten, disgust, and possibly infect me with a disease that would ultimately lead to a made-for-tv movie about my death, executive produced by Gwyneth Paltrow? Is any food safe to eat?
Fortunately, no one who ate the lettuce that the dead bat had been thanklessly flavoring got sick, but it still weighs heavy on my mind. And so — just to get your weekend rolling and remind you that secret dangers stalk us all — we’ve put together this lovingly curated list of “gross things that people have found in their food that may put you off food forever.” Just don’t sue me when you decide to give up eating and begin to subsist only on air and light, like this guy who hasn’t eaten for nearly a century or Eastern Europe’s most infamous living Barbie (there’s more than one, and they hate each other) who only eats cosmic micro-food. No idea what that is, but contrary to any previous thoughts I might have had on the matter, it’s sounding good right about now.
So, where to start? How about with a fun reminder that a dead bat isn’t even the worst thing anyone has found in their food this week?
Maryland Woman Is Surprised To Find A Deadly New Friend In Bag Of Spinach
Sure, a dead bat is terrrrrrrrrrible to find in your package of spring mix, but what if you found something living instead? A Chevy Chase woman was understandably less than delighted when she brought home a bag of spinach and found something crawling inside. Was it a roach? A spider? A caterpillar just looking for a place to morph into a butterfly? Nope, it was a scorpion. A scorpion that was still alive and probably very, very angry at the lemons life had thrown at him.
According to The CDC, it’s a myth that all scorpions are deadly — some bites, the organization reports, just hurt a whole lot — but that’s cold comfort when you’ve got one crawling over the spinach you were going to warm up and toss with some candied walnuts and a nice raspberry vinaigrette. And while knowledge is certainly power, I can think of very few people who’d find a scorpion in their food and calmly begin to do research on toxicity of said scorpion’s venom rather than freak out all over the place and begin making desperate FaceBook statuses about how close they had come to the sweet release of death. If it were me, I’d already have an “I Almost Died AMA” post on Reddit.