As hard as I try, I may never be the #1 best travel writer on the planet. I may not evoke entire worlds with my precise selection of verbs like Paul Theroux. I’m certainly not completing complex ethnographies like Bruce Chatwin. Or walking a thousand miles on the Pacific Crest Trail as a means of learning life lessons like Cheryl Strayed.
But when it comes to evaluating a hotel based on sexiness? Well, I have this industry on lock. I mean, who else starts a hotel review series and makes it mandatory to rate the “Sexiness Factor”?
But what actually makes a hotel sexy? What delivers the perfect balance of raw allure and titillating, “anything might happen”-type energy? Not surprisingly, I have some thoughts on this, which I’ve detailed below:
- It can’t be kid-friendly. Kid-free is preferred.
- It has to be a place where, as the great poet Penny Lane once said, “It’s all happening.”
- It’s got to be so clean that you can’t even faintly conceive of the distant possibility that a non-flosser or someone with fungus-ridden toenails ever trod the same halls or slept in the same bed as you.
- I mean, it’s gotta be so clean.
- Like it was made yesterday.
- And yet… it has to feel a tad chaotic. Reminding you of the most fun person at the party who also veers dangerously close to going off the rails — in hotel form.
- The design should be modern and stylish and simple. Same with the amenities. Antiques are rarely sexy.
- It should have a bar that cool people like to visit, even if they aren’t staying.
- Plus it’s got to have a great restaurant.
- And an even better pool.
Boom. 10 rules for the sexiest hotel on earth. And in my role as Uproxx’s travel editor, I already knew Mondrian Los Angeles was nailing all of those ten aspects. I mean the rooms are clean and modern and crisp:
This is a property that knows what it’s doing. You don’t hang a ring light over every bed by accident — that’s a very precise choice. Do they also have one of those coy showers where you can treat the shower like a performance art space or draw a gauzy curtain closed to keep a bit of mystery?
You’d better believe it.
Plus it’s got an in-house restaurant, Casa Madera, that has a superb cocktail program, an adjoining bar, and a menu full of oysters and raw fish (crudo is the sexiest food, period). It’s a see-and-be-seen spot, which is sort of fun, on special occasions. And the beautiful people are surrounded by austere vases filled with pampas grass, which is the sexiest of all grasses.
(JKJK, fine fescue is the sexiest grass, obviously.)
It’s got its own hotel drinks space, Skybar, where they create a fun indoor-outdoor tropical vibe.
And an amazing pool that has 0.00 children in it.
Okay, so the table is set. Pretty sexy hotel, agreed?
Now here’s the crazy, spike-the-football-in-the-endzone coup de grâce:
Between now and December 3oth the property is running a collaboration with a literal lingerie brand (Savage X Fenty), owned by a woman who is almost unarguably one of the most beautiful/ most talented humans alive (Rihanna) and is partnered with a man whose features look like what would happen if you had a Genie in a bottle and said “Genie, do me a favor real quick and make me look the most handsome. Just like… more handsome than anyone else. Ever. Thanks!” (A$AP Rocky).
Here are the details of the package:
- Suite at Mondrian Los Angeles – Deluxe Studio Suite and above.
- A bottle of champagne.
- Two (2) Savage X Fenty CLF Satin Robes with Lightning Bolt (for women) or Savage X Smoking Jacket (for men), one for each guest.
- Two (2) Mondrian sleep masks per room.
Reader, I have stayed in the room. I have worn the robe (yes, I got the robe not the smoking jacket — yes, I wear the hell out of that silky thing). I have eaten at the restaurant. I have spent a day drinking and lounging and swimming in the pool. I have smirked wickedly at the fact that the eyemasks are called “sleep masks.” I have held the property to a very high standard while looking through the prism of what is sexy. I have even taken a few photos you won’t see with my lady in the ring light mirrors.
And I’m here to tell you… Right now, in November of 2023, Mondrian Los Angeles’s Savage X Fenty Fall Package is the sexiest hotel in Hollywood. Which is one of the most sexy places on earth. Meaning it’s little more than a bathtub, hot tub, and sauna away from the sexiest hotel room on the planet.
And all for roughly $400 all in, plus a few drinks. That’s not cheap but it’s absolutely a great value — which may not be the sexiest point to finish on, but it’s nice all the same.
The Mondrian Los Angeles x Savage X Fenty Fall Hotel Package is available until December 30, 2023. Rates start at $319 per night.