So you think you’re ready to start a family: your biological clock is ticking, creepy dancing babies have crammed themselves into every corner of your thoughts like your brain is an Anne Geddes photo, and you feel like you can finally take care of another human being. Hell, you’ve got lessons to teach and knowledge to impart! Forget the fact that you couldn’t keep a ficus alive, let’s raise a child!
But how do you know you’re truly ready? How does anyone?
Let us help: In the spirit of making sure you’re living the life you want, here are a few ways you can tell you’re ready to take the plunge and immerse yourself in the world of sleepless nights, organic diapers, and yearly school conferences during which you have to bite the inside of your cheek to keep from laughing.
You’re Starting A Family Because You Want To
There’s no denying that cultural, gender, and familial pressures are all too real when you’ve passed a certain age and are (hopefully) maintaining a comfortable existence. One day you’re having game nights and getting drinks after work with your friends, and the next everyone’s getting married, demanding you shell out beaucoup bucks on gifts, and deciding that it’s time for kids. And then everyone starts asking you (regardless of gender or sexual orientation) when you’ll have your own baby to dress up and play with and scold when they learn all the swear words you routinely use in the privacy of your own home (and also in public).
Remember this: Your mom was right about people jumping off bridges. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you have to, too, even if the peer pressure seems to be eating away at you like Pepsi on a raw hot dog (which is a fun science experiment your eventual kid might bring home!).
Having a kid is a huge responsibility. Whether you’re doing it with a partner (or several) or going at it alone, everyone needs to be on the same page regarding why you’re having the kid (it can’t be because you’re bored!), how you’re going to shoulder both the reward and the burden, and what to do when things get rough. Because you can’t just say “no thank you” once your 2-year-old has smeared their poop all over the wall in a genre-defying display of affection.
Not all people are meant to be parents, and that’s okay. The important thing is that the decision is up to you, not a horde of well-meaning friends and parents that demand that you procreate to complete your journey on Earth. Life can be just as meaningful without a kid as it can with one. If you’re one of those people who never wanted a kid in the first place, you don’t have to have one. We have a lot of people already!
It’s okay to change your mind whenever you want, but remember this: You can choose to not have a kid before it’s arrived; you can’t choose not to have one once it’s 7 and you realize that this was all a big misunderstanding and you should have just gotten a hedgehog instead.
You Can Bravely Confront Your Finances And Create A Budget
If you, like most of America, are out here chilling in some part of the middle class, you need to recognize that having a kid is going to cost more than just a few diapers, an array of broken electronics, and gymnastics lessons that will likely end in disappointment rather than Olympic gold. In 2014, The USDA released a report that revealed that raising a kid born in 2013 actually costs between $250,000 and $300,000 on average. You don’t need us to tell you that’s a lot of money (it’s like a lifetime supply of chicken nuggets), but it’s something you ought to consider when looking at where your desire to have kids, your finances, and your career intersect. And don’t forget that this isn’t including college!
That wasn’t meant to scare you off choosing to have kids (although those chicken nuggets are tempting), but it’s a sobering reminder that a little bundle of joy isn’t free and will require you to make some difficult changes to your budget. A financial planner (they’re worth it!) can help you figure out how much you need to save before you bring a kid home and help you keep your overhead low — that’s why your parents always bought the cereal in the bags instead of the boxes.
It’s also important to remember that if you decide to adopt a child, going through a private agency may end up costing you upwards of $40,000 before all is said and done. That’s why you need to start saving before you start doing the complicated ritual of telling an angel you want a baby, so they’ll tell a stork, who will drop a diamond in a pile of cabbage that will eventually turn into your new addition. In fact, The Bump points out that your baby’s first year may be the most expensive, with approximately $30,000 going towards keeping your kid happy, healthy, and hopefully not screaming their lungs out every chance they get.
You Know That Your Entire Life Will Change And Are (Sorta) Cool With That
“We won’t be like those people when we have kids” is something you often hear couples saying in the movies. They’re talking about parents who don’t get out of the house, spend all their time with their kids, and have children who are (sometimes) exceptionally bratty. Unfortunately, no matter how well you relate to the couples on screen, you need to know that there’s no way to have kids and still maintain the lifestyle you’ve become so accustomed to.
Like staying up and sleeping all day? Not so much when you have kids. The staying up all night part may still be true — lots of people spend their days at work and their nights awake with a baby who hasn’t yet learned that eight hours of sleep is a blessing and not a curse — but being able to do your own thing whenever you want to? A thing of the past! It’s worth it (most of the time), of course, because you love your kid, but it’s definitely going to take a toll. The good news is that if going to the park and chilling at the playground on a Saturday sounds like fun to you, you’re going to have an excellent time!
The biggest change, aside from maybe seeing friends less and feeling like you need a break more and more, is the fact that you’re going to have to do things like have dinner at a set time (it provides kids with a routine, makes them feel connected, and even gets them to like fruits and vegetables!). You might also have to forego that weekend rafting adventure you meant to go on a few years back, until your kid is ready to accompany you or you can plan far enough in advance that childcare won’t be a problem. These are sacrifices, sure, but they’re also going to be worthwhile at the end of the day. Plus, having a baby means you can get out of things at the last minute. That right there? Major perk of being a parent.
You’ve Got A Support System You Can Count On
Does it take a village to raise a child? Maybe not literally (you don’t need more than 200 friends and family members to tell you what you’re doing something wrong all the time!), but you’re certainly going to need help. Yep, even if you’re the type of person who does everything on their own and never asks for help, you’re going to have to recognize that you can’t raise a kid in a vacuum for 18 years. You’ll need people to help with baby-sitting and with emergencies. More importantly, you’re going to need to figure out who exactly you can call to vent about the fact that you changed eight diapers today and it doesn’t look like that little poop machine is done yet. Can you talk to your partner if you have one? Sure. But you’re likely going to need more help than just one person can provide, especially if it’s your first kid.
And remember: If your mom and dad are helping, you’re probably going to need at least one more person you can complain about them to. (But you love them and are grateful all the same!)
You’ve Accepted That You’ll Never Be Truly Ready
Read the books and watch the movies. Talk to a financial planner. Get advice from your friends. All of this will prepare you to have a child, but only having one will truly make it real (this isn’t to say you should have one if you don’t want to! Never fall for someone saying “you’ll understand when you’re a parent” if you don’t really want to be one!). There’s a reason that so many people say that every day is a new and exciting (poop-filled) surprise when you have a kid. You don’t know what’s coming next, what trouble your baby’s going to get into, and how you’re going to handle it. You’ll have a great time, sure, but there will be parts of the journey where you feel completely lost and like the worst person ever. Don’t worry, that’s normal!
A big part of becoming a parent is recognizing that the role comes with a lot of insecurity, strong emotions, and a feeling of vulnerability it’s likely you haven’t experienced before. Opening up to those feelings and recognizing that you’re not perfect — but you are good enough! — and that no one (not even Dr. Spock) has all the answers, will only make you a better parent in the long run (as long as you’re willing to learn).
