Ahh, the chicken sandwich. A breast filet between two slices of bread, dressed with a range of vibrant veggie-accouterments. So simple and yet so mouthwateringly flavorful, the chicken sandwich has clearly earned its position in the pantheon of great American foods. And how do you improve upon perfection? With the marriage of tender chicken breasts and spices that skew higher on the Scoville scale of course. Making every bite an addicting moment of savory bliss, elevating the senses to something akin to a religious experience (Yes, as a matter of fact, it is that serious).
I’ve eaten a lot of chicken sandwiches in the creation of this article. It’s been my primary diet for awhile now, to the point where my relationship to the spicy chicken sandwich has gone toxic. According to the enthusiasts, insiders, dabblers, scholars, archivists, marketers, and general evildoers who make up the demographic of contributors on Wikipedia, Stockholm Syndrome contains these four components:
1. A hostage has developed positive feelings towards their captor. Okay check. Spicy chicken sandwich for president!
2. No previous relationship. Hmm, define “previous.” I’ve certainly had chicken sandwiches in the past, I wouldn’t call it a “relationship” per se.
3. A refusal by hostages to co-operate with police or government authorities. Spicy chicken sandwich? Never heard of it! FAKE NEWS!
4. A hostage’s belief in the humanity of their captor. Look, all the spicy chicken sandwich ever did was try and introduce some fun and flavor to the regular old chicken sandwich of yesteryear, is that really a crime?
The point is: I love these things and your definitions of healthy relationships don’t enter into play. Better to just sit back as I rank the best spicy chicken sandwiches in terms of heat and flavor.
6. Carl’s Jr Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Offensive, to say the least. The Carl’s Jr. Spicy Chicken Sandwich is by far the worst chicken sandwich on the market. Heavily processed chicken formed into the exact shape of the bun it slouches on. Everything about this sandwich is just sad — flavorless iceberg lettuce, abhorrent meat texture, it’s not even really spicy so much as its tinged red. Worst of all, its the type of sandwich that reminds you of how it tastes throughout the day, even after trying to mask it under another meal.
Any sensation of spice is just my taste buds in active-revolt, protesting my decision to subject them to such a disappointment. Its maddening considering Carl’s Jr has burgers with fucking mushrooms on them, and hand-breaded chicken tenders, you’d think they’d approach their spicy chicken sandwich with at least some effort.
Spice Level: Almost Non-Existant.
The Verdict: The burgers are great, order those.