Ted Cruz ruins everything. That’s not an opinion and isn’t connected to politics; it’s just a fact. And if you thought that the failed presidential candidate was awkward and creepy before — not even his kids want to hug him; possibly because he let Carly Fiorina sing to them — then you’re going to have an even harder time forgiving his existence after you hear him wax poetic about Texas queso.
Just listen as he goes on (and on) about how it relaxes him, and then gives you a horrifying visual of the ooey-gooey cheese sauce dribbling down his chin and onto his shirt. (Geez Ted, keep a napkin handy.)
Before we show you this clip of Cruz talking about queso to reporters — and we promise, it’s a good one — we must offer you some context. While it would be fun to imagine that Cruz has just chosen to respond to all interview questions with random non sequiturs (remember the butter cow?), Roll Call reports that during a Wednesday luncheon attended by the Republican Senate Steering Committee, the 54 senators present took part in a blind taste-test to decide whether queso or cheese dip was better. That may sound frivolous to you, but Roll Call reports that this is serious business. The taste test came about after The Wall Street Journal suggested that “Arkansas may be laying claim to queso” and a Twitter fight erupted between senators about the whole thing.
(Confidential to senators: You guys are really killing this politics thing!! Keep having fun!!!!)
Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall” Ted Cruz:
How you feeling about that, friends? Was your favorite part when Ted Cruz started talking about how “queso speaks to the soul” like he’s ever been in possession of one or when he used the word “visceral” when we all really wish he hadn’t? Or was it the beautiful image of the entire Cruz family “bonding” while they “tore into some nachos” together he gave us?
We don’t know about you, but we’re probably going to stay away from Texas queso for at least a day after this one. Or maybe just a few hours. Listen, in our defense, queso is really, really good.
Here’s a bonus clip of everyone being uncomfortable as Ted Cruz tries to make a fun joke about a senator who had a horse in this fight but couldn’t be there because his wife was pregnant:
Nice work, Ted! It’s not often you get everyone in the video not even trying to hide that they don’t get paid enough to deal with you.