This Unlimited Cheese Event Turned Into The New Fyre Festival

Ah, 2017, how you have warped perceptions of time. It feels impossible that the Fyre Festival, the event dubbed a “Millennial Marketing Fiasco Waiting to Happen,” was a mere seven months ago. Has it really been that long since Ja Rule, Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and other social media influencers lured people to the Bahamas with promises of luxury tents and gourmet food only to deliver some pre-packaged sandwiches and FEMA tents?

Well, clearly it’s been long enough for some people in the UK to jump into disappointing event production without any self-awareness and get skewered online. But, this time, there were no models. There was no early 200os rapper/songwriter/producers. There was only cheese, and from the resulting uproar, it was of insufficient quality and quantity.

Oh, the people behind The Giant Cheeseboard were savvy. Their initial event post on Facebook hit all the right notes.

“Have you ever dreamed of being able to walk around a giant cheese board? Carving off slices of your favourite Emmental, Red Leicester, Edam, Brie and every other cheese you can imagine? Surrounded by cheese, rolling around in cheese…eating so much ch…sorry, got carried away!”

Do I dream about that? Are you kidding? That’s not just a dream; that’s the kind of fantasy that could easily lay the groundwork for a gratifying climax. What? I like cheese, and it’s good for me.

But, they weren’t just promising edible lactose gold. They also waved unlimited mulled wine, the best DJs in London, a fireplace for snuggling, and photo booths under the noses of prospective attendees. And they offered it all for £30pp, which is about 40 bucks for us Yanks. If they had delivered, the cheesy fest would likely have gone down as one of the best events of the season. But, it didn’t.

After standing in line for over an hour, people were finally able to filter into Studio 338 where they were greeted by some folding tables schlepped on a dance floor. Were they laden with all the cheese one could desire? Nope. Reports point to a ridiculously insufficient five types of cheese pulled straight from the dairy section of any grocery store, insufficient crackers and bread, cold mulled wine, and overcrowding. Plus, the event was staffed by people wearing Tom and Jerry onsies designed to make the wearer look like little Jerry. That’s just lazy.

Clearly, people who anticipated a life changing orgy of cheestasticness were hardcore salty and they took to social media to express their displeasure.

Despite photographic proof and a flood of displeasure (people who attended say that the event took on a Lord of the Flies vibe as people denied sufficient cheese and alcohol began screaming “Refund! Refund! Refund!”), the hosts of the event have denied the accusations levied against them. In a Facebook post that begins “If we felt that we had not provided any of the things included in your entry price then we’d be the first to hold our hands up and apologise but this is simply NOT the case!” they respond to every complaint, and they seem a tad defensive.

At least some people still have a sense of humor about it.

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