With another Terminator, Twins and Conan on the way, we’re already on the Arnold Schwarzenegger sequel train, so there’s no getting off now. The only thing we can do is accelerate, and we’ll do that by imagining some other films he could or should make sequels to. Some may argue he’s too old to reprise the roles that he played when he was younger and more buff, but phooey! We’re talking the Governator here, and he can do what he pleases.
Working title: Commando Returns
Why: Yes, it was a poorly made action film, but that’s the charm of it. Plus, it gives us a reason to invite Rae Dawn Chong back into a cinematic setting. We need John Matrix. Not only because he has a ridiculous sounding name, but because Alyssa Milano is still hot, and there’s a chance we can get her back (my crush on her still resides). Let’s give this one to John McTiernan as his comeback film.
Working title: Truer Lies
Why: This one almost happened, but James Cameron decided that, in a post-9/11 world, a terrorist-laden plot is just not as funny or as entertaining anymore, and he’s kind of right. Still, there’s no denying that True Lies is one of Arnold’s best, and a sequel with Cameron would be awesome. But anything at this point that has James Cameron attached seems to be awesome, according to the box office.
Working title: Montessori Cop
Why: Because Montessori school is a lot funnier (trust me… I went there), and because Arnold looks more like a pre-school teacher these days. Kindergarten Cop isn’t one of Arnold’s best, but it was an enjoyable romp with a few memorable scenes. We can improve on it. We can make it better. Let’s have Paul Feig direct this one, and we’re good to go.
Working title: Predator Legends
Why: Arnold didn’t make it back for the sequel, and a notoriously less buff Danny Glover took his spot and placed the Predator alien in an urban setting. That said, the Predator series is still going strong these days (Predators actually wasn’t terrible), so why shouldn’t Arnold get another crack at the beast? John McTiernan directed the original, but he’s busy with Commando Returns (and just getting out of prison), so this will have to go to Luc Besson.
The Running Man
Working title: The Sprinting Fellow
Why: Alright, it’s based on a book by Stephen King that has no sequel, but does that really matter? In The Sprinting Fellow, Ben Richards sees himself become a Damon Killian-type with an all new set of running games held underneath him. This time, the man running is Tom Hardy. We’ll attach George Miller to this dystopian thriller because Mad Max: Fury Road was amazing.
Last Action Hero
Working title: The Very Final Action Hero
Why: First things first… I liked Last Action Hero. Sure, it was nominated for some Razzies, and it’s generally disliked, but I thought it was a fun, pulpy bit of nonsense that’s enjoyable in many regards. We can now take its meta premise and make it even more meta with the aging Arnold playing an aging action star, which is really the truth and now my head hurts. Let’s make Kodi Smit-McPhee his young friend, and let’s get Phil Lord and Christopher Miller to direct.
Working Title: Senior
Why: Because pregnant men are funny, and because pregnant men in the future will not be funny, nor will they be allowed to be made fun of, so we better get this out of the way now. This time, Arnold’s son is becoming a mom, and Arnold has to teach his son how to give birth. Ivan Reitman is back to direct this one, with Paul Rudd playing his son.