When news broke that there’s a remake of the 1986 cult classic Big Trouble in Little China starring The Rock in development, it raised three main questions:
- Will The Rock go full Kurt Russell in the remake, hair and all?
- Why don’t we just remake every movie with The Rock?
We don’t have an answer to the first one yet, and the third isn’t — in the strictest, most technical interpretation — actually a question, so let’s focus in on number two. Why DON’T we just remake every movie with The Rock? I’ve yet to hear a good reason why we shouldn’t. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at a few options we whipped up. Don’t act like you wouldn’t pay full IMAX rates to see each of them.
Tango & Cash
Set in modern-day Miami, this remake sees The Rock and Vin Diesel take over for Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone, with The Rock playing Cash and Vin Diesel playing Tango, mostly because A) The Rock is already playing one Kurt Russell character in the Big Trouble in Little China remake, and I think we should just keep that train a-rollin’, and B) I really want to see Vin Diesel do battle with the criminal underworld while wearing prescription glasses.
With any luck this leads Vin Diesel to start remaking old Stallone movies. Cobra, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, etc. If we’re going to do this, let’s really, really do it. No half measures.
Exactly like the 1943 Humphrey Bogart classic, save a few very minor changes:
- Set in the modern day.
- In Miami’s notorious Little Casablanca neighborhood.
- The Nazis have been replaced with a drug cartel.
- The role of Ilsa will be played by Megan Fox.
- When The Rock tells Megan Fox that they’ll “always have Paris,” he means “Paris,” a South Beach nightclub where they got bottle service one time.
- The song “As Time Goes By” has been replaced with “Let’s Have a Real Good Time” by Pitbull.
- The movie now ends with The Rock putting Megan Fox on a plane and then killing all the cartel members in a violent South Beach shootout that lasts 45 minutes and levels close to $1 billion worth of real estate.
Other than that, exactly the same.
This remake of the 1987 comedy sees The Rock take on the role of laid-back Miami high-school gym teacher Freddy Shoop, who has just been forced to forego his precious summer vacation to teach a summer school class full of underachieving millennial slackers. Will the students come to understand the value of education? Will they band together to help out both each other AND the charming teacher who believed in them and is facing termination if they don’t pass their big end-of-summer exam? They sure will. Or else.
South Beach’s hottest new night club, the Double Deuce, has a security problem, and only one man can fix it… professional cooler James Dalton, played by The Rock. Just two hours of The Rock smashing goons — in the club, in the alley behind the club, on the beach, wherever. Basically just Walking Tall, but fancier and without any legal justification. And The Rock wears a Patrick Swayze wig the entire time.
The fact that it’s 2015 and we don’t already have a remake of the Cage/Travolta face-swapping classic starring The Rock and Vin Diesel is troublesome at best and shameful at worst. Let’s go ahead and remedy that. The only thing left to do is figure out who is playing who. I’ve got The Rock in the Nic Cage role because I want to see him go wild-eyed and evil — wearing a red suit, shooting golden guns all over modern-day Miami, the whole nine — for about 30 minutes before saving the day. You are free to disagree if you want. Make your case, I’ll hear you out. There are no losers here anyway.
We open on South Beach. White sand, crystal-clear water, anatomically perfect bodies glistening in the sun. The air is full of music, money and sex. The message is clear: This is the life.
Suddenly, a scream. Heads turn. More screaming. The ocean turns crimson as a swimsuit model disappears under the waves. Everyone rushes back to dry land. As the lifeguards attempt to maintain order amidst the chaos, a blood-stained bikini top washes up on the beach. Then an arm.
There’s a predator in the water, and it’s up to one man to stop him: Chief Martin Brody, played by Channing Tatum.
You thought I was going to say “played by The Rock,” didn’t you? Incorrect. The Rock plays Jaws. There are no survivors.
After the mess that was Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Oliver Stone has one option if he wants the franchise to survive: Cast The Rock as Gordon Gekko and set the film in the glitzy, Ponzi-scheme-riddled world of modern-day Miami. Keep an eye out for the dramatic chase scene where heavily-armed SEC regulators drive a tank through Little Havana in an attempt to bring him in for questioning. The people need action.
Thelma & Louise
Admittedly, I have nothing here beyond “The Rock and Vin Diesel star in a Thelma & Louise remake.” Maybe we call it Theo & Louie? I don’t know. I don’t know. But movies have been greenlit on way less. We’ll figure it out as we go along.
Set in modern-day Miami.