Movies

We Watched Vin Diesel In ‘Bloodshot’ And Kept A Running Diary

Bloodshot, a movie starring Vin Diesel that was released in theaters a week and a half ago, is now available to own through many on demand services. Sadly, at the time, I missed the Bloodshot press screening because it was on the cusp of starting to feel “not safe” to go to a movie theater in Times Square. And I started imagining myself having to tell people, “I realize it was foolish, but there was a new Vin Diesel movie and I just had to go.”

Anyway, I’ve had Bloodshot envy for almost two weeks now and today is finally my day. As I’m watching my most anticipated movie of the year so far (in context I suppose this is true) , I am keeping a running diary. Anyway, alright, let’s do it…

10:25 a.m.: I am irrationally excited to watch Bloodshot but I just realized I have zero idea what this movie is about.

10:26 a.m.: I hope it’s a true story about Vin Diesel being hungover yet still having to come into work to film a XXX sequel, or whatever.

10:28 a.m.: Vin Diesel is playing just a normal soldier on a combat mission. I hope in 20 years, when Vin Diesel is 72, he’s just still playing roles meant for someone who is 25 with no explanation.

10:31 a.m.: I have no idea what Vin Diesel’s character is named.

10:34 a.m.: Toby Kebbell is dancing to Talking Head’s “Psycho Killer.” My anticipation is paying off.

10:36 a.m.: Vin Diesel better run run run run run, run run awaaaaaaaaay…

10:37 a.m.: Vin Diesel ignored David Byrne’s warning and did not run away. Toby Kebbell just killed Vin Diesel’s wife and Vin Diesel. Roll credits.

10:39 a.m.: Vin Diesel is still alive. I think he’s Bloodshot now.

10:40 a.m.: Guy Pearce is trying to explain to Vin Diesel that he’s Bloodshot now and Vin Diesel just seems annoyed.

10:44 a.m.: Vin Diesel was just told his blood is made of robots and he is making the “Joey Tribbiani smells a fart” face.

10:45 a.m.: I wish the name of this movie were Robot Blood.

10:45 a.m.: Vin Diesel IS …. ROBOT BLOOD.

10:48 a.m.: “And the Oscar goes to … Robot Blood.”

10:48 a.m.: “This is the eighth win of the evening for Robot Blood.”

10:49 a.m.: After Iron Man 3, it’s weird Guy Pearce is in another movie about nanotech.

10:49 a.m.: I’m trying to picture Guy Pearce’s agent calling, “Guy, I know how much you love movies about nanotech. Well, great news, I found you another one. And this time it stars Vin Diesel.”

10:50 a.m.: The last five minutes of this movie has just been Vin Diesel sulking. I’m starting to get the impression this movie about Vin Diesel having robot blood takes itself very seriously.

10:51 a.m.: I finally looked it up and Vin Diesel’s character’s name is “Ray.”

10:55 a.m.: Bloodshot just got the memory of him and his wife being killed back and just left the facility to seek revenge. This is a great scene because Guy Pierce is bewildered. As if the thought of one of his new “back from the dead robot blood” experiments just wanting to leave never occurred to him.

10:59 a.m.: I’m going to be honest, Bloodshot being released for home viewing early was one of the few things I had to look forward to … and I’m starting to have my doubts.

11:00 a.m.: Toby Kebbell is the only person who knows what kind of movie he’s in.

11:04 a.m.: I’m trying to figure out Bloodshot’s powers. So far my best guess is “invincible.” Also his chest lights up.

11:05 a.m.: Bloodshot was just shot in the face and is fine.

11:06 a.m.: I wish I had seen this at a theater so I could have watched all the 70-somethings start walking out of the 10:45 a.m. showings.

11:11 a.m.: It’s weird to think that someone who is 70 was 48 when they first saw Vin Diesel in Saving Private Ryan. “Hey, this guy playing Caparzo is good!”

11:14 a.m.: I have no idea what’s happening in this movie.

11:15 a.m.: I have lost track of the plot of Bloodshot.

11:17 a.m.: There has been a twist in the plot.

11:18 a.m.: Somewhere along the way someone decided, “What if this isn’t just a movie about Vin Diesel killing bad guys. What if we decided to also be … clever?”

11:21 a.m.: I wonder what Vin Diesel is doing right now.

11:21 a.m.: I hope he’s safe.

11:23 a.m.: The bad guys keep tricking Bloodshot and it’s stressful.

11:23 a.m.: I am updating my assessment of Bloodshot’s powers to, “Invincible, but easily tricked.”

11:34 a.m.: Naïveshot doesn’t have the same ring to it.

11:34 a.m.: Bloodshot finally realizes the truth.

11:35 a.m.: And I, too, am starting to realize the truth – that I just spent $20 on this movie instead of using that money to buy supplies to survive during a quarantine.

11:36 a.m.: I like to think Vin Diesel gets a notification on his phone anytime someone purchases Bloodshot.

11:38 a.m.: I should have bought The Way Back.

11:40 a.m.: Maybe it’s fitting Bloodshot is “the last movie.”

11:42 a.m.: Someday, when historians talk about movies, it will be known as the era of The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station (1895) to Bloodshot (2020).

11:44 a.m.: There’s a scene that takes place inside Vin Diesel’s brain.

11:45 a.m.: I expected any scene that takes place inside Vin Diesel’s brain to have more scorn for The Rock.

11:51 a.m.: There are a lot of scenes in this movie of Vin Diesel lying on a table and shaking.

11:52 a.m.: “Okay, Vin, I’m really going to need you to shake on this take. Yes, just lie there and shake. And … action!”

11:56 a.m.: Vin Diesel is now fighting a guy with Doctor Octopus type arms, only with two robotic arms instead of four.

11:57 a.m.: What’s a creature with six legs? Doctor Cricket?

11:57 a.m.: Bloodshot is having a tough time with Doctor Cricket.

12:00 p.m.: I either love this movie or hate this movie. I honestly can’t tell.

12:04 p.m.: I wish they’d make Bloodshot 2 right now, just filmed alone in Vin Diesel’s house.

12:05 p.m.: “Here’s Bloodshot eating a cheese sandwich.”

12:06 p.m.: The whole movie would just be Vin Diesel describing what he’s about to do, then doing it.

12:06 p.m.: “Here’s Bloodshot playing Doom.”

12:07 p.m.: I think Bloodshot is ending.

12:08 p.m.: I have seen Bloodshot.

12:08 p.m.: I am pretty sure I hated Bloodshot (or, maybe, loved it – who’s to say anymore?), but I do know I’d spend $20 on Bloodshot 2 right now.

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