Meet The Lucky Dog That George Clooney Adopted From An Ohio Animal Shelter

In a story that reads like it was engineered in a lab to get crazy SEO traffic for the rest of time, George Clooney adopted a “spindly” rescue puppy named Nate and gifted him to his parents on Christmas Eve. Sorry, every other piece of content on the internet. Just go home now. You’re drunk.

According to the Facebook page for Ohio’s LuvFurMutts Animal Rescue, George found Nate after his “very efficient personal assistant” Angel browsed YouTube videos of rescue puppies (stars’ personal assistants: they really are just like us!) and singled out the terrier, who’d heretofore had quite the rough life. Writes LuvFurMutts:

He was born with birth defects. A barrel chest, a leg that swayed. He walked like a hyena. Some of these dogs were fat, but not our Nate. You could count the ribs on him. When we took Nate to adoption events, people would stare and kids would point. Several people applied to adopt him but then said no when they met him. He was with us nine months. The lowest point came when an adopter cried when she met him and said she would be depressed the rest of her life if she had to look at him every day.

Jesus. Fortunately, George plucked Nate from his obscure and utterly depressing existence after showing videos of the puppy to his mother, Nina, who “fell in love.” According to the Facebook post, George asked his father, Nick, “how he felt about the way Nate walks,” and Nick, who was mourning the recent loss of his terrier of 10 years, replied, “I guess it sounds like he gets around just as good as we do anymore.” JESUS. If this story got any sweeter, or any more #Internet, I genuinely believe it could singlehandedly bring lasting peace to our nightmare of a planet. Or at the very least inspire five Nicholas Sparks movies.

I’m kidding, of course; it absolutely gets sweeter, and we are no closer to agreeing as a nation on whether women should have the right to make choices about their own reproductive organs or admitting that global warming is going to kill us all. George and Amal then “secretly” arranged for Nate to be delivered to his parents on Christmas Eve. Nina opened the door and “cried a little” as Nate was put in her arms. She “cried a little” again when she read the card from George, Amal and Angel, “saying they wanted her to have Nate to enjoy Christmas with.”

“They could have any dog in the world but they chose to adopt a dog who was crippled and could have been with LuvFurMutts for life,” concludes the Facebook post.

Dammit. Are the Clooneys adopting humans, too, or…?