On Thursday, people were captivated by the testimony of former FBI Director James Comey, who, free from his position, gave a stirring and personable testimony that did not paint the current President of the United States in a positive light. It was great theater.
So great, in fact, there’s just no way there won’t be some sort of dramatized version of Thursday’s events. The only question is: Who plays James Comey?
Ahead, we list the five leading candidates who have the emotional trust and weight we’d need to look for in a fictionalized version of James Comey. These are the definitive answers and there can be no argument.
(Also, you’re welcome, nobody.)
1. Armie Hammer
Like Comey, Hammer is a very tall man (yet somehow still three inches shorter than the 6’ 8” Comey) who could play the part with dignity and grace. Sure, Hammer is a bit younger than Comey, but that’s nothing a little movie magic can’t take care of. As a bonus, Hammer already has experience in movies surrounding the director of the FBI with J. Edgar.
2. Optimus Prime.
Now, who has more gravitas and is more respected than Optimus Prime? There’s no one. The leader of the Autobots has proven time and time again to be a bastion of integrity and wisdom. As we gaze in awe as Optimus Prime is sworn in, we will have no doubt that what will follow will be the truth and nothing but the truth. Plus, at 28 feet tall, Optimus Prime is about the same height as James Comey.
3. Mr. Roper from Three’s Company
Unfortunately, Norman Fell passed away in 1998. But that kind of obstacle didn’t stop last year’s Rogue One from casting an actor who died in the 1990s. There were many times during Comey’s testimony that he played it up a bit for the cameras. Remember when he said, “Lordy, I hope there are tapes”? Imagine right after that line, Mr. Roper as Comey looked at the camera and did one of these?
People love BB-8. If the producers of the Comey’s movie want to hire an actor who will immediately gain the public’s compassion, well it has to be BB-8.
5. Baby Groot
Now, if the producers want to cast in a little more controversial way, they should maybe go with Baby Groot over BB-8. Just like Comey, there are people who do not like Baby Groot and think he is “bad.” But there are people who love Baby Groot? See, it’s just like real life. Sure, the film will take on a slightly more avant garde approach as Comey won’t be able to answer in anything other than “I am Comey,” but that’s what will make this all so interesting.
(Note: I am serious about the Armie Hammer pick.)
You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.