A List Of Action Movie Cliches That Also Make Pretty Decent New Year’s Resolutions

12.29.16 3 Comments

DreamWorks/20th Century Fox

The time has come for New Year’s resolutions. You probably have a list in your head right now. Shed a little weight, take that vacation, finally start getting organized, etc. All noble, reasonable goals. But why be reasonable? Most people abandon their resolutions by mid-March anyway. If you’re gonna make a list of things you probably won’t do, you might as well make the list fun and irresponsibly wild. Like, say, one full of clichés from action movies. You might end up in prison if you actually follow through on some of them, sure. But you might end up in prison anyway if you snap during your diet and just go full T-Rex in the cookie aisle at Wegmans. At least this way, you’ll have a cool story.

Some suggestions:

• Pay for something — anything — by placing a briefcase on the table, clicking it open, and silently spinning it around to reveal stacks and stacks of neatly wrapped bills.

• Fire a flaming arrow into a squadron of your enemy’s forces.

• Get suspended from your job for being a loose cannon and when your boss asks you what you have to say for yourself, shout “I get results, dammit!”

• Commit a crime that you spent years planning out in meticulous detail, but get caught by a detective who lulls you into a sense of security by appearing simple and schlubby, only to reveal himself as a brilliant sleuth as he arrests you.

• Get in a high speed chase through the streets of Prague, preferably set to a techno song from the late 1990s.

• Get picked up on the street by one of your enemy’s henchman and taken to his scenic compound, where you are escorted to a luxurious but prison-like suite with a closet full of formal attire in exactly your size.

• Pull an old dusty copy of Beowulf off a bookshelf and have the whole wall spin around to reveal a secret passage and/or a room filled with treasure.

• Get punched in the face hard enough to put out a normal person’s light for an hour, but remain standing and slowly wipe the blood off your bottom lip while saying “That all you got?”

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