In a new interview to promote Tenet — maybe? — Robert Pattinson gave GQ a peek into his quarantine life, and it was an absolutely surreal trip from start to finish. The actor is currently holed up in a London apartment that was supposed to be a temporary home while filming The Batman, but when that production shut down barely a month into shooting, Pattinson found himself stranded with only a few T-shirts and a delivery of what he calls a “Batman meal plan” to keep him bulked up for the role. Or at least that’s the idea.
In reality, Pattinson hasn’t been working out at all and has been eating the kits like a college student shoveling down cheap meals between existential ponderings.
I’ll have oatmeal with, like, vanilla protein powder on it. And I will barely even mix it up. It’s extraordinarily easy. Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.
You’ve been training all your life for this, apparently.
I… It is weird, but my preferences are…just sort of eat like a wild animal. [laughs] Like, out of a trash can.
And that’s just the beginning. Pattinson apparently fancies himself a chaos agent while talking to the media, which he definitely delivers in spades during the video calls with GQ. “My, um, my publicist always calls me up after an interview, and she’s like, ‘Is there anything, like, is there any kind of fires you set now? What do I have to fix for you now?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t even remember anything I said.'”
Several times during the interview, Pattinson admits that he has a very loose grasp of time and often finds himself in situations where he thinks something happened two years ago, but it was only two weeks ago. It’s led to some, uh, misunderstandings. “I’ve been emailing this guy recently who’s absolutely terrified of me,” the Twilight star tells GQ. “He eventually passed my email on to one of the actresses in his movie so she would speak to me instead so I wouldn’t email him anymore. And I thought it had been, like, two years and six months, in between each email, but it’s only, like, a few weeks apart.”
But things really took a turn when the actor revealed his business plan for a fast-food pasta restaurant, which he legitimately pitched to investors before the lockdown.
What if, he said to himself, “pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas? I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”
The investors didn’t bite, and Pattinson went on to prove that was probably a smart decision by literally exploding his microwave while trying to make a pasta dish for GQ. Earlier in the interview, he had expressed anxiety over what happens if the owners of his London apartment want it back. He probably should be a little more concerned about if it will still be standing once the pandemic is over.