Ah, the Christmas movie. Rarely great, but nonetheless watched so many times that it indelibly sears itself into the collective human consciousness. Think about it: How many times have you seen Jingle All The Way? You know exactly what inane toy Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to buy for his spoiled-ass kid, don’t you? And how many times have you seen Citizen Kane? Your yearly viewing of The Polar Express still keeps you up at night, picturing its unparalleled uncanny horrors, doesn’t it? And you’ve never seen the entirety of Chinatown, have you? (It’s kind of long, I know.)
In part, I blame ABC Family for the scourge of bad Christmas movies we must watch over and over again, ad infinitum, until they’ve become an unshakeable pillar of Western civilization. But in larger part, I blame Santa himself, for being so goddamn adorable and squishy. If Santa didn’t cut such a fine figure in a red suit, would we even glance in the direction of movies like The Santa Clause, much less sit down in front of a screen once a year and pay $2.99 to watch it yet again? In truth, we’re all just slaves to Santa’s expansive dad bod, to his unrealistically shiny boots, his raucous laughter, his lush facial hair, and his irrepressible joie de vivre.
Knowing as much, Burger Fiction has gone ahead and created a “Movie Santa Super Claus,” i.e., a mashup of Santa’s appearances in movies throughout the history of cinema. The mashup comprises everything from 1947’s Miracle on 34th Street (OG Santa) to 2015’s A Christmas Horror Story (is that not redundant?). It’s a great way to watch a lot of so-so Christmas movies again — get that quick hit of nostalgia — without actually, you know, watching them. So, kick back, relax — hey, where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving! Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! Noooo, no. We’re all in this together.