Star Wars: The Force Awakens is one of the most heavily hyped film releases of all time. Disney has spent millions plugging it, using everything from ESPN to “cross-promotional partners” to make it inescapable. So you’d think Hollywood would have just vacated Dec. 18th completely, but, surprisingly, The Force Awakens will have a lot of competition when it opens. So who’s going to survive, and who’s going to get Force-choked?
Sisters
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler play sisters who throw one last party in their parents’ old house. In addition to Fey and Poehler, you’ve got Maya Rudolph, Samantha Bee, Ike Barinholtz, and John Cena playing a character named after the demon in The Exorcist.
Force-Choked?: Universal is trying what executives call “counter-programming.” At a guess, their logic is that Star Wars‘ audience will skew male (questionable) and that there’s room in theaters for a comedy with appealing stars at the same time, particularly one that only cost $30 million and should stick around for awhile.
Alvin And The Chipmunks: Road Chip
The fourth, yes, fourth movie in this franchise arrives on the 18th. Dave has finally found true love, but it comes with a douchey teenage stepbrother, who appears to be evil in the grand tradition of “He has to be evil or there’s no plot.” Also, if Dave actually viewed these rodents as his kids, wouldn’t he be more concerned with the fact that his girlfriend’s son is an animal-abusing sociopath?
Force-Choked?: This movie is probably going to underperform no matter what. After two movies that made more than $200 million each, Chipwrecked only made $133 million in theaters. That said, these movies are likely cheap, and the release date is based less on Fox’s belief they can take on Star Wars and more about staking out a spot for next week in the multiplex as a movie sugared-up children can be dumped at.
Extraction
A young CIA agent (Kellan Lutz) goes to save his father (Bruce Willis) from… uh… it looks like bikers/terrorists who are going to use the world’s telecommunications infrastructure to launch nuclear missiles somehow. Also Gina Carano is his girlfriend, just in case your credulity wasn’t quite strained enough.
Force-Choked?: That this is even going to theaters has the sense of somebody’s vanity project being humored, so we don’t see it doing well. But hey, six months from now, it’ll probably make a great drunk-watch on Netflix.
Son of Saul
A Jewish man tries to secure a proper burial for a boy at Auschwitz. Sony Pictures Classics has a very strange idea of holiday cheer.
Force-Choked?: Probably not. First of all, this is just to get the movie into theaters in time for awards season. Also, our own Keith Phipps strongly recommends it — look for a more in-depth review on Thursday– and will likely be a Best Foreign Language Film Oscar contender.
Mojin: The Lost Legend
Going by the trailer, this is more or less Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, except with a lot more wire stunts and martial arts.
Force-Choked?: This is only arriving in 30 theaters, which is kind of a bummer, because it seems like a pretty good time. Ah well, once again, that’s what Netflix is for.
So, if you really don’t want to see space wizards with laser swords, you do in fact have viewing options! Or at least a great preview of what you’ll stream on a Saturday eight months from now.
