Paramount Has Now Canceled All Theater Showings Of ‘Team America: World Police’

In the wake of the cancelation of the theatrical, VOD and even DVD release of The Interview, some independent theaters and drafthouses around the nation announced their own special “F*ck you.” Since chain theaters and Sony Pictures were bowing to the terroristic threats of the so-called Guardians of Peace, places like the Alamo Drafthouse and Cleveland’s Capitol Theatre announced that they would instead schedule special showings of Team America: World Police, the Matt Stone and Trey Parker comedy that scorched North Korea’s immortal cockroach dictator Kim Jong-Il long before Seth Rogen and James Franco set out to assassinate his son, Kim Jong-Un.

Unfortunately, even that will no longer happen. According to Deadline, Paramount has put an end to any independent showings of Team America, because something is obviously happening that nobody is talking about. But even without an explanation as to why we can’t even watch puppets f*ck and fight, these theaters have confirmed the latest cancelation.

At this point, it’s safe to assume that the hackers, whoever they may be, are sitting on something seriously damaging to the entire film industry. My guess? A gritty origin story reboot of Citizen Kane, starring Adam Sandler, Courtney Love and the ghost of Gary Coleman.