The 10 Greatest Lines From The Official Scientology Album, With Special Guest John Travolta

Is it possible that the Church of Scientology, who have a movie (The Master) maybe, probably, of course about them coming out this weekend, produced something worse than Battlefield Earth? Yes, and it’s called The Road to Freedom, a 1986 album that makes you pine for the loving embrace of Barry Pepper’s dreads.

Road was written and composed by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the Church of Scientology, and features performances by Chick Corea, Leif Garrett, Frank Stallone, Karen Black, David Pomeranz (he sang the Perfect Strangers theme song!), Nicky Hopkins, and most notably, John Travolta, who lends his throaty pipes to the title track and “The ARC Song.” Hubbard himself also talk-sings on the album, sounding like a drag-queen Leonard Nimoy impersonator covering a Bing Crosby song.

The album’s as hilariously awful as you imagine, and we’ve picked the 10 MOST awful lines from it. Enjoy?

“The Road to Freedom” by John Travolta, Leif Garrett, Frank Stallone, and Lee Purcell

You are not mind or chemicals
You don’t even have a form
You’re in a trap of senseless lies
It’s time to be reborn.

“The Way to Happiness” by Leif Garrett, Gayle Moran, and Nicky Hopkins

In a slack society, preceding to decay
It can even become an amusing thing
To casually steal and slay

“The Worried Being” by Amanda Ambrose

The Road to Freedom- The Worried Being from Hat Girl on Vimeo.

There was a worried being who did secret acts
He felt he had to hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
Oooo what a sad song!
A careless teacher gave him false data
And he went dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Oooo what a sad song!
That bad experience gave him engrams
And he began to hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt.
Oooo what a sad song!

“The Evil Purpose” by Frank Stallone

Terrorists, murderers, rapists, thieves,
The very headlines give you the creeps
People possessed or people obsessed
What’s gotten into their very deeps?

“Laugh a Little” by Michael Roberts, Pam Roberts, and Margie Nelson

The Road to Freedom- Laugh a Little from Hat Girl on Vimeo.

When all the world around you
Is deep enmeshed in frowns
When mother, sister, aunt and wife
All seem to have the downs

Laugh a little
Laugh a little
Ha ha, Ha ha
Ha ha, Ha ha

I couldn’t find a video for “The Good Go Free” by David Pomeranz, so here’s a cut from one of Hubbard’s other albums, SPACE JAZZ:

“Why Worship Death?” by Chick Corea and Julia Migenes

The Road to Freedom- Why Worship Death? from Hat Girl on Vimeo.

Why worship death? It’s a sham
A curtain of forgetfulness, instilled as a memory jam

“Make It Go Right” by David Pomerantz

The Road to Freedom- Make It Go Right from Hat Girl on Vimeo.

When the world is very crazy
Nothing can survive
When atom bombs and bursting suns
Threaten all of us alive

“The ARC Song” by John Travolta, Karen Black, Jeff Pomerantz, Frank Stallone, Lee Purcell, and Gloria Rusch

The Road to Freedom- The ARC Song from Hat Girl on Vimeo.

You understand me
I understand you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Understand, too
What understanding will do for you

“L’envoi, Thank You for Listening” by L. Ron Hubbard

For truth is truth and if they then
Decide to live with lies
That’s their concern not mine, my friend,
They’re free to fantasize.