A Small Labrador Pup Offers His Take On The Designated Hitter

Hey there! I’m a dog! I’m happy and young and still oblivious to the ways of this cruel, cruel world! I got to watch fireworks last night! It was Independence Day! Did you have a happy Independence Day? Most people call it Fourth of July, but it’s really Independence Day, right? I mean, everybody has a fourth of July, ya know? Even those stupid cats at the Schneiders’ house. Man, I really hate cats!

Hang on a second, I gotta pee on this bush…Oh man, that felt great. I’ll just kick some dirt on that and we’ll be good. Okay, so where was I? Yeah, so the DH. That’s the designated hitter, ya know. You watch baseball, right? Baseball is cool! They play with a ball and there’s lots of grass and you can pee anywhere! And the pitcher doesn’t even have to hit. It’s gonna take over the National League. It will! It will! And then the pitchers will pitch and the hitters will hit and the dogs will eat all the cats and hump all the legs in America!

I want to…hey, HEY WHO’S THAT IN MY YARD! GET OUT OF MY YARD! ARF! ARF! ARF! WHY ARE YOU WALKING UP MY SIDEWALK! GET AWAY FROM MY hey I wonder what’s in that box. I hope it’s a leg. But yeah, why should pitchers play offense and defense? Nobody does that anymore, except for those other eight guys. I forgot about them. Hey, I’m just a dog!

The only way the DH doesn’t work would be if…What the…is that a fire truck! FIRE TRUCK! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK I SWEAR! GET BACK HERE FIRE TRUCK! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!…