We Have A New Candidate For Worst First Pitch Ever And It’s God-Awful

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Remember that time the Astros invited you to throw a first pitch? And remember when you looked cute as a button in your white shorts and Astros shirt? And remember when you thought the baseball was a football and you spiked it into the ground? Remember that Delores? Remember when everyone laughed at you? Remember when the mascot had to come out and console you?

It can’t get any worse than that, right? The ball was headed towards first base, like it was a bunt. I ask this sincerely, has ‘Delores’ ever touched a baseball before? Like, because, if she was a baseball throwing virgin I might give her a pass here. I mean, I don’t really want to but I’m feeling a bit sympathetic today.

(I lied. I award her no points and may God have mercy on her soul.)